Crimson Blood and Frozen Tears

22

2010-10-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

"Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
The lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]

Say your lines, but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around
Watching you, watching me
One lonely star
[One lonely star, you don't know who you are]

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted - why, oh why?
The show is over, say goodbye

Say goodbye, say goodbye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[just make 'em smile, all the world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star, and you don't know who you are]

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go?
How was I to know you'd break my heart?

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted - why, oh why?
The show is over, say goodbye..

Say goodbye."

2006-07-07T04:10:00.000-07:00

sleeping disorders run in my family.

dad talks in his sleep, kuya moans, i karate-chop everything within reach, mom sleepwalks, and we all drool and grind our teeth.

but there's one sleeping disorder i have that not a lot of people know about.

probably my kabarkadas who've slept with me [down, hentais..] ate sop and ate michelle..

you know how i am when i'm drunk? when every random strain of thought that drifts through my mind just slurs out of my mouth?

its a weird form of honesty daw, sabi ni kuya. pero hassle kasi kung anu-ano talaga sinasabi ko..practically anything that makes an impression on my mind that day or that moment.

*sigh*

to those who watched nickelodeon the other day.. do you remember the episode of drake and josh then?

i wasnt watching the tv, but i remember hearing what they said.

"the one thing to look forward to when you're sixteen? DRIVERS. LICENSE."

...

its so far-fetched..

but i hoped you would believe me.

2006-06-30T05:57:00.001-07:00

...

scared?

..you should be.

2006-06-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

mejo bored..and while i pick the bits of food from my braces, why not do some quizzes?

here are a couple hilarious ones. :p

enjoy!

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm" a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears
"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."
You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

no fuckin way mehn!! gyah..

You Should Be A Libra

What's good about you: A total charmer, you easily find friends and allies
What's bad about you: You have a secret side that's easily confused and depressed
In love: you enjoy flirting, dating, and the whole process of falling for someone
In friendship, you're: very social ... you rather be with your friends than be alone
Your ideal job: fashion designer, makeup artist, or song writer
Your sense of fashion: very feminine / masculine (depending on your gender)
You like to pig out on: sweet stuff like ice cream and french toast

What Sign Should You Be?

hahahahaha! looks like i cant cheat the quizzes..

Your Ideal Pet is a Big Dog

You're both energetic, affectionate, and a bit goofy.And neither of you seem to mind very slobbery kisses!

What's" Your Ideal Pet?

they got that right! :P

You Are Beef

You're big, burly, and maybe even a little stinky. And no one's going to come between you and a good steak.And you've probably never met a vegetable you like, unless fries and ketchup count.

What Kind of Meat Are You?

i am not stinky! *glares at jus*

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

i find it funny...coz i used to hate sunrises.

You Are Iceman

You tried to live a normal life, but it just wasn't possibleA bit of a slacker, you rather tell jokes than cultivate your powers
Powers: turning self and others into ice, making ice weapons, becoming nearly invisible

Which of the X-Men Are You?

but i hate iceman!!!

You Should Get a PhD in Science (like chemistry, math, or engineering)

You're both smart and innovative when it comes to ideas.Maybe you'll find a cure for cancer - or develop the latest underground drug.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

i intend to do BOTH. *devil metal grin*

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous.People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What Kind of Food Are You?

bigla ko naalala si sister pilar..

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

tell me something i dont know. :p

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.
You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.
Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.
You connect best with: Earth
Avoid: Fire
You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

*blink* that's so not true?

You Are Super Spicy

You're a little bit crazy, a little bit naughty, and a whole lot of sexy.You go beyond hot - you set people's senses on fire!

Are You Hot?

haaaaaah??

Your True Love Is a Cancer

Why you'll love a Cancer:
Cancer's loyal and sincere heart makes your own sensitive heart melt.Caring and devoted, a Cancer will take the lead in pursuing you - and not give up!
Why a Cancer will love you:
You're laid back enough to deal with Cancer's little mood swings and freak-outs.A fellow homebody, you know how make Cancer comfortable and at home with you.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

save the most hilarious one for last?

2006-05-28T04:33:00.001-07:00

and what you don't know?

i pray for you everyday.

maybe someday numero dos will swish his hair and make you see.

2006-05-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

i just realized...

that fairy in the template?

..i sleep just like she does. :p

2006-05-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

"..'diba akin ka lang?"

2006-04-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

...

how many x-rays does it take take to make you sick?

2006-04-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

i hate UP.

pinabalik-balik ako sa pgh, cmc, up registrar, pgh ulit, cmc ulit, up health sciences..

only to find out i have to go back to fucking pgh!!!

fuck!

so what if they found out i have chuvaeklavuscoliosis? and a tenting deformity in my left lung?

will i die? will they die? are they scared that i'll suddenly drop dead in the middle of the semester and not be able to pay them the fee of [torotot sound here] 6500php??

*deep sigh*..

tangina talaga..

nagpapatong patong mga problema ko eh..

di ako si zhazha zathurna noh!

naabutan pa ako ni kuya na umiiyak..shit.

di pa nakaka-decide si dad kung anong college ako papasok..feeling ko nagulantang sha nung sinabi ko sa kanya na gusto ko USTe eh..

am i supposed to be insulted on how suprised they all were?

kasi parang ang ibig sabihin nun, tinutulak na nila ako sa daan na hindi ko pa sinasabi kung ano ba talagang gusto ko..diba?

ay ewan.. i'm just being immature..i am thankful he didnt hit the roof..and that he's willing to consider it...

*buries my face in my hands*..

...

and this issue about lack of communication..

di ko naman kasalanan ah..sa tingin nyo ba gusto ko na hindi kausapin mga mahal ko sa buhay?

do you guys think i enjoy that?!

no i dont!

kung kayo nasasaktan, MAS NASASAKTAN AKO!

coz right now is the loneliest time of my life! if i could log in the net all day, I WOULD!!!

biruin mo, ang kayakap ko lang buong summer ay si sasuke..si sasuke!

and for you guys who dont know who sasuke is, he's a DOLL.

an inanimate object that can't hug me back. can't run its fingers through my hair. cant tell me everything's gonna be alright.

ah fuck..i even slipped last night..

*rubs eyes*

im so damn weak.. and i can't stand it..

i can't take this..

why do you expect me to do these things..? ha, Lord?

...

...

*sits in a corner, cries softly*

im not mad, if that's what you think..if that's how i sound like..

i'm just really really sad. and lonely and frustrated.

God.. im so deprived right now..

you dont know how its like to feel this way..

giving up is so beautiful.. and she's a mere finger's length away..

i want to live the rest of my life as someone else, something else...until the next life comes along..

and the only thing keeping me from doing so..

are the people who love me..the people i love..

kaya please..sana hwag na tayo mag-away..

magbati na tayo... mag-usap tayo, maglakwatsa tayo..

please.. para maging masaya tayo..masaya kahit marami tayong pinagdadaanang sari-sariling problema..

please...

i honestly..can't live this life - and others to come - without you guys.

i dont want to go on without you guys..

*rubs eyes*

mahal na mahal ko kayo..

at wala akong pakielam kung si jasmine trias ang pumapasok sa utak nyo ngayon..

sasaksakan ko siya ng isang malaking subo ng bibe'ng may asupre!

>_<

2006-04-19T04:06:00.000-07:00

namatay na si madam jung!!!!

*rolls around the floor, crying*

sobrang nakakaawa si yon-saeng..iyak sha nang iyak..naiyak na rin kaming lahat.. <_<

tapos ngayon, pinakulong na si lady Han dahil hinimatay yung jungjong na yun..

tang'nang bibe'ng may asupre yan! kakainin ko yun nang buhay eh!

hahaha, stress-reliever din 'tong jewel in the palace marathon..

i know a lot's happening right now, and not a lot of people are too happy..

i suggest you guys just hold on and keep your head.

and hearts.

kasi naman..kaya nyo yan noh.

...

asus. nagsalita ang patay.

yeah well, i have to find a way to stop comparing myself to..them..

i'm..not like them at all..am i?

and i never will be..

guess it just hurts..

maybe i'm not..girlfriend material..

*sigh* ah, fuck that..its too damn soon to think that.

malay ba natin nag-aabang lang yung jasper na yun sa ilalim ng kabute?

besides, i want to be a guy this summer..

be a guy until someone makes me want to be a girl again..

hahaha..

nasisiraan na ata ako..

hay nako, iinom na nga lang ako ng monkshood poisonous mushroom!

pika! pikapika!

pikapikapikachu!!!

2006-04-09T02:03:00.000-07:00

the tears wouldn't stop...

just like Tamahome's..

it felt like i was acting out a scene in a telenovela..

i was shocked at myself, for reacting the way i did..

i guess there's no way to prepare for something..no matter how much you act it out in your head..

now i smell like meat and taste like sweet salt..

*looks up at the ceiling*..

why am i different..

why am i like this..?

but i regret nothing..

i love them all..

i..

mahal na mahal kita..

*smiles gently*

i only have one soulmate.

and if this life wont allow us, i'll make sure i get my way in the next..

but for now..

be with the one your truly love..

be the best person you can be..

and be truly happy.

*rubs eyes*

groupdate..

i'll hold you all to that. ;)

2006-04-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

new layout..

why? summer na eh..>_<

and..other reasons..

*shrugs* ang ganda naman ng layout at bgm eh, wehehehe :p

...

*leans back*

i think...

i wanna watch jewel in the palace marathon..

*laughs*

2005-12-12T02:34:00.000-08:00

i dont need nor want your apologies..

i dont want better, i dont want best..

all i ever wanted was for you all to be happy..truly happy..

and now that you are..

i guess i want me to be happy too.

...

too much to ask.

enough of the drama.

never do things that you'll regret.

if you believe in something, fight for it till the last breath.

for your information:

celine estrada is not like anybody you've ever met..or will ever meet in your lifetime.

all she wanted for herself..was to love. and be loved in return.

she did love with all her heart..and soul mind body. everything.

bad move. why? check the url you just typed.

martyr? no.

angel? no.

dumb? no.

..you don't know her pain and her joy.

and you never will.

...

and no, hindi to pagdadrama.

sirang plaka lang, nagsasabing..

be happy. truly happy. you all deserve to be.

2005-12-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

12.8.4

Last night

I saw you standing there..

Legs spread

Slicing through the air..

Now i see you,

No more masks..

Different faces,

Spinning fast

The virtuous-

So cold..

The virtuous are falling down on me

This night

I see you standing there..

Pretending

Like I'm not there..

Never meant to be this way

Never want to be ashamed

The virtuous are crashing down on..

Me. -Twilight

...

What's the best feeling in the world?

When you're me..

Dip yourself in the center of the pool, look up into the sky, let the surface blur your hearing and senses, gently cradle you in softly licking rocking waves.

...

Misha: *wraps a long strip of bubblegum wrapper chain around my chest to form a tube-top* "Look ate Kyra, I get to touch her boobies!"

Quennie: *squints up at me* "Hoy..ba't ang cute ng mga mata mo? Dey look pretti. Whatcha do?"

Steph: "Sino kaya mommy ko.."

Me: *snickers*

Sir Mitra: *smiles at me* "You hab agen MAAAAAYYYYDDD my day, miss E!"

Me: *flashes a smile* *pause* "God, im so bored..."

Anne: "Cel..baka pwede ka..umurong lang ng onti.."

Steph: "Celine! bakit ka ganyan?? Meron ka, noh?"

Me: "NO! I wish i was that simple!"

Levi: *stares* "um..excuse me..are you from Assumption?"

Me: "yes."

Levi: *pause* *flips pancakes* "er..Assumption antipolo?"

Me: *grin* "yes."

Levi: *blink* *flips pancakes* "are you Celine??"

Me: *cocks head* "Yup!"

Levi: *blink blink* "I'm levi. ehe.."

Me: *laughs* "o, yan ah! bumili na ako ng pastor peaches!"

Cai: "Oh my God...feeling ko..di ko kakayanin kapag anjan ako sa pwesto mo.."

Emily Rose: "How can they deny the existence of God when i show them the devil?"

Icelle: "Pray for me..board exams na namin.."

Justin: *gapes at me*

Me: *grin* *twirls around* "Okay ba suot ko, pare?"

Justin: *nods, still gaping* "Uh-huh.."

Me: *looks into the rearview mirror* "Oy! BEHAVE!"

Kyra: *hugs me tighter*

Me: "Buto yan..my sternum.."

Kyra: "yeah..i can feel your heart going thud thud.."

Nica: "you're gonna do WHAT?! sasamahan kita! ayoko mag-isa ka na haharapin siya.."

Levi: "dude..that doesnt sound too promising.."

Me: *smiles* "I know..but i'll take this chance. I choose to."

Leah: "O, si celine naman!"

Me: "For maika! Happy birthday!"

Leah: O_O "Putang ina ka Celine! Ganyan ka rin ba magmahal??"

Me: "We love you just the way you are, maika.."

Maika: *mouths* "Thank you.."

Anne: "wow..first time mo mag-curl ng hair?"

Me: "er..yeah.."

Anne: "bagay sayo!!"

Me: "Tama na! Sunog na buhok ko! Nangangamoy pritong isda na!"

Nica: "payag ba kayo maging boyfriend ko si LT?"

Me: "NO!" *blink* "Boyfriend yan ng barkada!"

Steph: "cel..maging materialistic ka naman for once.."

Cata: "Padamihan tayo ng chiks! Yaoicon yaoicon yaoicon!!!"

Les: "Its a poor substitute.."

Sago: "Bitay naman 'tong mga to.."

Mara: "shuichiro!!!"

Me: "L'arc-en-ciel means WHAT?! Good God! Are they gay?!"

Cata and Bernie: "NO!!!"

Trent: "dont go.."

Nica: "yeah babe..you deserve better.."

Me: "I dont want better..i dont want best.."

Nica: "Then what do you want?"

Me: "I just want to love..and have someone truly love me for all that i am."

Emily Rose: "I choose to stay.."

Me: "..I choose to love."

...

...

What's the best feeling in the world?

When you're me..

Its emptying your pockets and scraping your palms clean and putting everything in His hands..

Kick off your sandals and dive into the water..

Float around as the waves gently rock you to deaf and numbed sleep..

..and know that He wont let you drown.

2005-12-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

12.3.6

i made a long entry about the other day..

for some reason, it got deleted. all that registered was a little "c".

*sigh* guess the world isn't ready to know about the hatred of Celine.

*leans back* guess it doesn't really matter..

all that pain will be just for me and for my Liege.

...

besides..

we're starting again anyway..

i may have cursed myself to the lowest circle of hell the other night..

but my angel's come back to pull me up.

..i dont know what happened..

why you felt that way..

pero mahal kita..

maging komplikado na ang lahat, basta yun..

yun ang hindi magbabago.

2005-11-14T01:02:00.000-08:00

11.14.1

Tulog na, mahal ko

hayaan na muna natin ang mundo'ng ito..

'lika na, tulog na tayo.

Tulog na, mahal ko

wag ka'ng lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama..

saka na mamroblema...

Tulog na..

hayaan na muna natin sila..

mamaya, di ka na nila kaya pa'ng saktan..

kung matulog, matulog ka na.

Tulog na, mahal ko

nandito lang ako bahala sa iyo..

sige na, tulog na muna..

Tulog na, mahal ko

at baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas,

at sabay natin haharapin ang mundo..

Tulog na..

Hayaan na muna natin sila..

mamaya, di ka nila kaya pa'ng saktan..

kung matulog, matulog ka na..

Tulog ka na.. -Tulog Na

...

I realized that for those three meesly days, i was never so sad in my life.

i wanted to stop the writhing pain, burning, gnawing, crumbling, simmering concoction of despair once again..all over again..

i wished so hard for the fire to come..to burn me..to finish burning me, and reduce me to ashes at last.

...

i felt myself sinking..getting stuffed back in that God-forsaken place between hell and purgatory..

the goodness in me remained..still wished then all the happiness that they deserved..

but at some point..even that got consumed by the pain too.

i raised my devoured arms and pressed the ants to my chest. i hate and love and hate slow deaths.

...

my salvation? ray of hope? drop of cooling water?

God's lips in the bottom of my soul, and Rain's kisses all over me.

~~I leave what's left of me in Your hands. Do what You will, just let them be happy.~~

maybe i should go for the window anyway. what's there to fight for, right?

i was that easy to forget, God..six times in a row. yeah, beat that.

...

a lot of times, i thought that i dont belong here..

in this world, in this life..in this reality..

but no. no booze or cigs or knives or jerking off for me.

~~i'll prove to the world that i do love you.~~

...

...

and then..

the love.

..sabi na'ng di kita iiwan...

i'll be waiting for that kiss too.*smiles gently*

...

2005-11-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

and what you didn't know?

that shot i took..i made a toast for your happiness.

2005-11-09T05:12:00.000-08:00

11.9.3

Sige lang..
Sandal ka na, at huwag na'ng pigilan-
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit,
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin.. ->Sandalan

...

Back to school again..

funny how breaks seem to never end when you're in the middle of it, and end too soon when its over.

Right now feels like more of the latter. sheesh.

...

First day in, and i can already feel the stress pressing us on all sides..econ reports, homework, new lessons, algeb crap, lesMis readings..and that little thing we'd all wish we could forget: IP.

I feel like crawling back to sembreak right now..

Specifically..last friday..

Well, i'd gladly relive last friday over and over again if i could, savoring every single moment, not matter how seemingly bitter some were..

My fingers were itching to pluck those steel strings..and when i did, you were there holding me close, resting your head on my shoulder..

I put the guitar down, and wrapped my arms around the one which i have longed to hold all my life:

You.

...

even if the moments made us choke back tears, i was thankful..

and happy..that i got to share every part of me with you. even the girly crying part. and your wacky insane part. and the i-dont-care-about-anyone-around-us-as-long-as-i'm-with-you part.

i really can't help but smile..

[even if econ's making me twitch to the nth extent..]

you make me so happy.. and i want to do the same to you.. [kaya hindi talaga kita iiwan..]

~~takte, ang lambot mo talaga!~~

love you po! rar rar!

2005-11-02T05:11:00.000-08:00

11.3.4
"..sana gumaling ka na agad, para di ka na masaktan.." -Andy

...

a couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was sitting under a giant sunflower. after a while, it started wilting and maggots were eating it.

"ayoko na yakapin o hawakan mo mga kaibigan mo!"

i guess i still got it, huh?

i always have a way with dreams.

...

im scared. damn friggin afraid. terrified.

no, love, you're not the only one. sabay tayo.

if God takes this one away, i will lose everything. and..i just wont be able to take it...

hence, the fear.

but damn it all, i will do everything in my power to keep this. to fucking HELL with Fate! ayoko na! di na ako papayag na pagtulak-tulakin nya ako! lalaban ako para dito..para sa kanya..mark me, i will not let this go. ever.

...

i understand if you feel scared too..and sad..

yes, looking back down to rock bottom when you're grazing the skies is the biggest scare, even for angels..

but y'know..i just set my gaze on your hands tightly holding mine..

"no, not even the horrifying vertigo will make me let go of you.."

we're still holding on to each other. for me, that's the most important thing..we wont fall as long as we're together still, flying with our solitary wings..

*whispers* di kita iiwan.

2005-11-01T06:02:00.000-08:00

11.1.2

...

i'll write about you with as few words as possible.

..just like our chat on the phone.

here it goes. watch out, you might miss it.

i hate you.

i hate you because no matter what i do, say, or think, you'll never come back..but you'll always be right there, a little more than an arm's length from me, to remind me that you still exist.

remind me of what i want to have but can never have.

..i hate you because i'm not allowed to hate you.

2005-10-29T02:37:00.000-07:00

10.29.6

...

no words for that span of time we were together..

well, maybe one.

heaven..

..hindi pa rin eh. kulang..

10.20.4

2005-10-20T02:34:00.000-07:00

...

i remember that day when you sat beside me and simply said:

"celine..i want you to stop talking to him."

i remember how scared i was, shaking and sweating and almost crying..silenced by fear and anxiety...

both at the thought of my love being torn from me yet again by you, discarded marionnette of Fate..
and the thought of you rummaging through my files and messages, having no respect for my privacy.

fuck. yknow? fuck. fuck-damn.

you, and the rest of humanity just like you.

...

i actually had the guts and heart enough to say: "mahal ko siya..mahal ko talaga.."

did you notice? did you even admire me for that? after all the years hating me for being cold, dark, brooding, melancholic, stoic, practically dead..and you didnt notice that i was actually alive? that my heart was beating and loving someone?!

fuckin blind! the lot of you!

you sicken me..almost as much as that giant zirconia of a mother sickens me..

do you remember what you said, what you spat at me?

"ano, magpakasal na lang kayo! sige, layas! magpakasal ka na dun, kung mahal mo! ano? ha? sige!"

~~if there was justice, she would be racking with sobs beside me..~~

do you have any idea what i wanted to say?

if i hadn't gone through the fucked up traumatic self-degrading childhood i did ~~which was, by the way, also paved by you~~, i would have thrown up all over your front and sprout fangs, wings, mandibles, antennae, pincers, claws, and extra eyes, and screamed at you with multiple voices:

"Y'know what? siguro nga lalayas ako at papakasalan sha..if that means leaving this pathetic excuse for a fuckin family, and spending the rest of my life with the one i love with all my heart and soul...heck, that sounds like the best fucking news i've ever heard!!!"

...

...

look, alam ko'ng mahal mo ako at concerned ka lang sa'kin..

pero alamin mo naman na masaya na ako sa buhay ko...alam ko ang ginagawa ko..

this time its different..i've been taught to love myself now..and stand up to the likes of you..

you monsters of my shadowed past..

marami na'ng nagmamahal sa'kin ngayon..

so if you sneak another peek at my messages, ask another question about who i'm chatting with..

i swear..

i will say those blessed words that have fermented in my gut.

...

pwede ba hayaan nyo ako'ng maging masaya?!

kahit isang beses lang!

so that for once..i can actually consider you true family...

2005-10-09T02:31:00.000-07:00

10/9/7

Well, back from the undead..with a new skin, yay..

Of course, its dark..i like negatives..

*grin* but how I feel now is far from dark..

its just that I couldn’t find a skin heavenly enough without being too fluffy..

...

so recap..

lotsa fights, then a new life..

I love this new life, and I love my plushie. So back off, twits..

Birthday girl! Finally got accepted in the 17 club with Giselle, hahaha! Feels weird..we celebrated with cheap food, and physics reviewers..but still fun and touching..yay. :p

I’m getting way too harassed in school..lots of things turned up, including a certain teacher-student tension, teacher-faculty prejudice, and HS batch-HS batch newspaper foulplay.

Stupid, ne? Getting foul over pieces of dirty paper..

Er..if you don’t get it, picture this.

Every yearlevel is competing for the jailbooth for the fair. How? Newspaper drive. Of course, they all want to have the liberty of catching guys with hoola hoops [me: “ang jologs nyo! Dapat girls!], thus the foul play.

Some stole, some bought, some threw nasty remarks, most cried.

Er..sorry, but hey. Its damn shallow. Get over it..

...

Im preparing for the incoming avalanche of tests and work..[yeah, they come hand in hand nowadays]

Leaves me kinda dead and practically dragging myself back home..

Home.

In a few days, and in a month’s time again, I’ll be meeting home.

Cant wait..

Ate lalaine’s debut coming up, I CAN wait to wear andy’s oh so pink cocktail dress.. :p

Guess that’s it for now..*yawn* gotta scrape some background on FF7 before I watch the movie..

Sephiroth look good.

2005-09-07T05:58:00.000-07:00

Sept. 7 Wed.
“The stars shone,
the earth was fragrant..
as I die in despair.” –E Lucevan le Stelle

...

The morning was still, like a whispered prayer lost in the darkness of memory and old age.

Halfway, I wanted to stop the mindless ode to a God that always scraped my palms clean.

..i did.

...

His hands were cool against my skin, burying painfully deep into tender twisted muscles, as he strained for stars to explode behind his eyes.

The poisoned words dripped and slithered, like his hair that fell over his face in the frantic almost-violence of his ministrations..

..I hardly cared anymore..go on, I murmured with my placid compliance and silence, sweet silence that frustrated him to the end of his wits.

The table creaked.

The nails dug in deep and red.

Blood was staining the ivory flesh of his lower lip and chin, refusing to shudder and shake and scream before I did.

..so sorry, Fate.

There was a tiny pinlight of star that shone above, as my world rocked three-sixty.

It wasn’t your silver-crowned Adonis-meets-Narcissus face I saw above me. Not anymore.

My eyes then glazed over, and I murmured that blessed name in the dark, right before I gently tipped over into oblivion.

...

It took a while before I realized that they were snipping off a year’s worth.

A year’s worth.

Or maybe..

..just 7 months’ worth.

They fell to the ground in slow, silent, graceful anguish..as if they knew just how much pain and hurt and fear and life they held.

Blood stained the glimmering floor, strewn in elegant ebony strings and strands.

They pitied the blood, not the bleeding creature of God who shed them.

And yet, with the new semi-mutilated girl they beheld, the blood lay forgotten; stepped on, and swept away.

They said I was pretty, bleeding like that. Prettier still, when I finally stopped breathing.

Even in death, the pain remained.

The unbearable ache of emptiness.

..I’ll never be the same again.

...

Bitter kisses – topped with foam, and encased in tin.

The yellowish sneer of it was almost pleasing to the eye.

I could smell that tang and tingle galaxies away..like the sound of a rippling stream to a man dying of thirst.

One second, I turned, and the next..

The kisses were already kissed.

I searched the bottom of the ocean in hope that I could scrape some scraps..but I saw the trench that was like an engagement ring.

Taken, it said. Taken but still visible to tease and tantalize and show you just what you cant have.

...

...

I don’t want better.

I don’t want best.

I only want you.

..i hope one day, you’ll be able to see that part of you that I love and die for.

Maybe I’m a little addicted
Maybe I just cant get out of this
Maybe it is just too soon to say..

I’ve seen you blow right past my window
You flew away and I was left inside
Without a clue..

But if you think that I am too stoned to write,
Don’t think twice..
Free your mind
Don’t let me down
We’ll find a way to make it go away..

I went ahead without direction
A form of semi-self mutilation
Dragonfly collides with truth..

Cant you see me like I see you?
Cant you feel me like I feel you?
Cant you be with me tonight?

I’ll make it go away..
[my dragonfly..]

..kasi soulmate, ANG GANDA. Sobrang ganda.

2005-08-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

Aug. 25 Thurs.
“Si Tarzan?” –Zarah

...

Day was full of laughs, bumps, cramps, scratches, and doubts.

I practically cracked my skull when I whacked it against the top of the bus this morning..

And..a little funny clip from our busgame of 20 questions:

Rosalyn: Is it smaller than a cat?
Me: Yes.
Leoren: Is it furry?
Me: Yes.
Kat: Does it live in the trees?
Me: Yes.
Jackie: Does it fly?
Me: No.
Zarah: *thinks* *gasps* A shark!
(pause)
Us: *rofl*
CJ: Does it move on 4 limbs?
Me: Yes.
Zarah: *mumbles something*
Me: *leans closer* ano?
Zarah: Tarzan?
Me: *blink*
Us: *laughs even louder*

...

Had one of the weirdest, scariest dreams ever..

Woke up in a sweat, and gasping. Not good.

Karma again, huh? That slipped my mind last night..but I guess I’ll grit my teeth through the punishment, and hope it wont hurt the ones I love.

Damn, I gotta have self-control more often..

Especially when the bed’s warm, the sheets cool, pillows soft, and lights turned low.

...

I miss you, y’know.

I think about you all the time..

When I sneeze twice, or see yellow shirts, or just get my heart crushed into mush all over again..

You’re there like Hermes, no words necessary. I jump from the edge into the empty darkness, and you catch me, flying me away to somewhere over time.

Kinda looks like the gradeschool field, though.

We stay in the shade of a tree until I get tired of crying..until I get convinced by your words that I have to go back and live.

And I do..

And it always gets all better again..

Call me crazy, but I’m damn thankful I have a friend like you.

...

...

For the one who holds my heart:

Bakit ang lambot lambot mo?

Bakit ang init mo palagi?

Bakit mo ko pinaghintay ng 3 oras??

Haha, joke..i don’t care about that last part..

But I do care about your wacky hair-do, and your arms around me, your smile, laugh, weird finger gesture, and..

Well..

Everything...

Dad was screaming for me to go home.

I was close to tears at his voice and tone..

But when I held you close to me, and breathed you in..

I knew.

"I am home."

2005-08-19T18:57:00.000-07:00

Aug. 19 Fri.
"come a little closer flicker in flight
we'll have about an inch's space
but i'm here
i can breathe in
what you breathe out

let me know if i'm doing this right
let me know if my grip's too tight
let me know if i can stay all of my life
let me know if dreams can come true
let me know if this one's yours too
coz' i see it
and i feel it
right here

and i feel you
right here

the vacuous night
steps aside to give meaning
to Gemini’s dreaming
the moon on its back
and the seemingly
veiled room's lit
by the same star.." -Gemini

...

I don’t feel so good..

I feel oddly safe, though..which is bad.

Safe is when I can snuggle in my tiny rut, knowing there’s no going up or forward..just here..

Sad, but home. Time has made it into the only home I can imagine.

Something’s coming..gonna happen..already happening..

Paranoia? I sure as hell hope so.

Coz even in my dream - as I carried my child in my womb, with that long-taloned creature scraping to steal my baby – I was ready.

I knew I was going to die somehow.

I wasn’t afraid. I knew I could protect that tiny heartbeat..and in so doing, live forever.

I’ll stay in the rut. Thank’s for letting me back down here ever so gently..

Whoever you are.

2005-08-14T03:19:00.000-07:00

Aug. 14 Sun.
“Alright, I’ll talk to him..go along then, so I can eat my humble pie..” –The Great Raid

...

*inhale*..

I guess words will always be my best friend, and worst enemy..

Too many can kill you, and a few can save you.

I don’t know what to say anymore..scared to speak. Afraid my words will screw things up..

Like now.

...

Heard the gospel, and I cried.

Be humble, they said. Be makulit, but humble.

I never realized..that my insecurity was the root cause of every bad thing that has happened in my life after mom left.

I guess being traded off for a couple of shiny rocks and dirty paper can do that to a person..but I know that’s no excuse at all.

I let people hurt me, betray and treat me like shit..i thought I did it coz I wanted to prove that I loved them..

But I guess sir mitra was right. You cant love others properly if you cant love yourself first..

You made me realize that I wasn’t doing it out of love..i was doing it coz I thought I deserved to get hurt..deserved all the worst things possible..

You don’t..don’t know just how sorry I am..for hurting you the way I did..and I never even noticed it..i thought I was being a martyr..but really, I was being a stupid girl.

I always assumed the worst for myself, never daring to guess – coz I filled every guess with hope, and the thought of my hope shattering was beyond imagination..

I hated myself, cursing the girl I saw in the mirror..blamed myself for the bad things that happened for no reason..

I’ve been doing it for so long, I guess I never noticed it..

But now..i did..

And..i didn’t like it one bit..

I hurt you..so bad..

All coz I didn’t realize that degrading myself also degraded you in a way..

All coz I couldn’t keep that shiny thing from my skin everytime something bad happened.

But..i hope you see..that even though we don’t get along all the time, your love has taught me to love myself too..its not a sudden explosive transition, but its happening..little by little..

The fact that I’m still..well, alive right now, typing this entry.. that’s proof enough that I’ve learned to love myself coz of what you taught me.. my skin’s intact – no fresh wounds at all.. the pills lay untouched, beer and liquor safe in the fridge, and the glass in one piece.

It..wasn’t easy at all..not at all..not one bit..

Not when my stomach was twisting in knots, my face burning, my chest aching for release..i even cried out for my mom for like..the 2nd time in my life..

But I held on.

Didn’t give up hope or faith, ate my humble pie..

I acknowledged my mistake, and instead of punishing myself for it, I decided to ask for another chance to make up for it.

And..you gave it to me..

Maybe you’ll never completely know just how happy that made me..just how strong and inspired it made me..

I was still wobbly and feverish and utterly weak from..well, that. Crying. I admit it. My weakness. It wasn’t 8:00pm at all.

But I was smiling..gently, inside and out.

I’ll do my best from now on – now that I know what to do and what not to do, and how to do it..

I wont be insecure and utterly demanding anymore..i’ll learn to trust completely, take it on faith, and love myself..little by little..

I’m not scared to admit or hope for it anymore..

I do want to be with you, stay with you..i don’t want to hand you off to another person, I want to be the one for you.

I’ll make it so that I’ll be the one meant and deserving of you..grant my own personal wish, and be the one to make you happily in love.

...

I guess that’s a helluva lot of words..

It might get twisted or congested or confusing at points..

But I hope you guys get to see the essense of it..

Love isn’t meant to be explained..its meant to be felt. And shared.

Mahal na mahal kita, plushie.

2005-08-08T05:58:00.000-07:00

Aug. 8 Mon.
“Celine..gusto ko sa Friday..inuman tayo.” –Anne

...

UPCAT drained me for all I was worth.

Biruin mo ba naman, pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa Econ auditorium, bigla ba naman ako nagkaron!

Ampoga talaga ang pagiging babaeng irreg!

Fuck damn, my red ticket to excruciating failure.

Apat na oras akong nakaipit na upo sa pagkalamig-lamig na silid [sobrang lamig na yung tunaw kong chocolate tumigas ulit!], namimilipit sa sakit ng katawan, nangangatog at tumitirik na ang mata sa kakabasa..

Halfway through, as I saw the “2 minutes remaining” on the board, with me 10 questions short of the math portion, the figures and numbers and names swirling in my slightly pounding head, I murmured..

AYOKO NA.

Tangnang Chona yan! Muffin eating contest?? Ilan ang kinain nya, kamo? WHO CARES?!?!

...

I didn’t get to answer my physics quiz at all.

I think I failed trig. Again.

Things between me and plushie struck oil last week, and im drained emotionally along with my physical frame.

Quarterly tests coming this week, and I haven’t even compiled the topic proposals for the IP.

Nakalimutan ko pa lagyan ng rating yung movie review ko sa English.

Shit talaga. Hell week? Hell quarter. And its just the beginning!

Somebody shoot me in the head.. I doubt if anyone will miss me..

*sigh*

...

Everybody just loved my love story written composition for English.

They passed it around to almost everybody who could get their hands on it, crumpled it, softened it to a mush, and copied some lines from it. Steph even asked me to make a “madrama story” for her.

I just hope that my love story will have a happy ending..

But I guess we shape our endings now..forever starts here and now.

And I’m doing my damn best..

Damn best.

Buong puso ko na inaalay ko..and yet..

Why do I feel like im making love to a wall?

Its not doing anything..and yet its hurting me..

Why cant you hug me? Pull me close? At least acknowledge the things I’ve done to love and keep you?

Don’t you know that when you make those remarks you’re making me feel like im the worst person in the whole fuckin world?

Sinusumbatan mo ko pag sinasabi kong mahal kita..pag sinusubukan kong iparamdam sayo kung gaano kita kamahal, kung anu-ano yung mga pinaggagagawa ko para sayo..

Wag na lang kaya ako magreklamo?

Maging pader na rin kaya ako?

Tahimik, hindi demanding, walang imik, hindi clingy, hindi KJ..

Pero nagmamahal.

Tumpak, diba? Pader na nagmamahal. Isn’t it everything you’ve ever wanted?

Did you know that at some point, I actually considered biting off my own tongue, ripping out my vocal chords, paralyzing myself, or point a mesh of metal against my temple and pull the goddam trigger?

Para lang makasama kita na hindi ka na nasasaktan. Hindi ka na naba-badtrip. Hindi ka na naiistorbo.

Any way, I’ll get to see you fly, ne? Sure, you’ll get stronger..and when you do, you’ll fly. And I’ll be there to see that glorious sight.

Either as a mute, a vegetable, or a ghost.

I know I’m ranting. Everybody knows. Im over-reacting. Everybody knows.

But the one thing I HOPE they know..

..is that mahal pa rin kita. I wont lose faith. I wont stop loving. I still want you to be happy. With..me.

Fuck DAMN. I am SO looking forward to Friday night’s inuman fest.
Colt 45 para mabilis.

2005-08-03T05:34:00.000-07:00

Aug. 3 Wed.
“Come a little closer,
Flicker in flight
We’ll have about and inch’s space.
But I’m here, I can breathe in
What you breathe out..

Let me know if I’m doing this right,
Let me know if my grip’s too tight,
Let me know if I can stay all of my life..
Let me know if dreams can come true,
Let me know if this one’s yours too..

Coz I see it..
And I feel it right here..
And I feel you right here.

The vacuous night
Steps aside to give meaning
To gemini’s dreaming..
The moon on its back
And the seemingly
Veiled room’s lit
By the same star." -Gemini

...

Right now, you’re pretty much the only thing I’m living for.

..and right now, im still chinky and sticky and slightly pink from a few hours ago’s death.

...

I don’t want to live without you.

I don’t want to lose you in any way.

But if you choose to let go..

I’ll only ask for one thing.

..that you hold me in your arms one last time, and let me drown in your warm softness..

~~..as I fade into forever with you.~~

2005-07-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

Jul. 23 Sat.
“It’s her hair and her eyes today
that just simply takes me away..
And the feeling that I’m falling further in love
makes me shiver -
but in a good way..

All the times I have sat and stared
As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
And she purses her lips
Bats her eyes as she plays with me
Sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say –

Coz I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands..
Coz she’s all that I see
And she’s all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again.” –Out of My League

...

I didn’t care even if the guy in front of us was being a jerk.

I didn’t care even if the girl beside him was letting him be a jerk.

I didn’t care even if the other guy was staring and trying not to stare at us.

I didn’t care even if she was a few paces northwest, pretty and normal and arousing bittersweet memories in both of us.

I didn’t care even if my dad was biting my head off.

Heck, I didn’t give a fuck that everybody was just twitching at us, heads shaking in disapprovement.

Hell, the world could DIE.

All I cared about was the taste of your blood on my lips..
Your slow breaths warming my shoulder..
Your hair entwined around my fingers..
Your smile, your laugh..

Feeling your warmth and softness under my hands, burning me to the soul.

I don’t care what the world thinks.

They have ears, eyes, hearts, minds..

..and if they still don’t see, hear, feel what I do – what we do – then damn.

Its their friggin loss.

I’d gladly get lost in you, and find myself again.

...

2005-07-20T05:50:00.000-07:00

Jul. 20 Wed.
“It’s okay..you can leave me..” –sis

...

hmm..where to start.

Hell week is good.

The kapatiran, where I had a kewl sister Denise Pau – damn, ang bait, ang ganda, thoughtful! I got lucky..steph’s was the kind who probably had the worst case of ADHD, and maika’s didn’t even bother to show up!

We laughed at how AF tortured their sisters [making them dance like chickens all around the caf, do squats shouting “ang ganda ganda nyo po!”, make a car out of a balikbayan box and drive around in it..], how most of the freshmen came to school with sacks and pails for bags..

Of course, I didn’t torture denise.. and she was thankful for it, haha..

I just gave her clues on who I was [sobrang dali, c’mon..one of the twin towers? All she had to do was look up!], and ask Les who was “marquis de sadde”..

Yehey, she found me..

The theme was Telefantasya [ugh..], and everybody came with a hunchback, flippers, green skin, feathers, and extra limbs..

Of course, di namin sinunod [pasaway, haha!]..we came as the cast of Ibong Adarna – sobrang nakakatawa! Anne’s sisters’ was the best – since dalawa sila, she made them wear one half of ibong adarna.. when they stick their bodies and cheeks together, they make the whole bird!

I made Denise look like Don Juan [ang gwapo nya!]

Our other sisters were the snakes in Valentina’s hair, and I was..er..well, I was one of the kontrabidas. Whoever I was. *shrugs*

We spent the night playing games, and I even got to carry denise on my back! Wow. Mr. Philippines!

The food was..well, okay.

Had one of the best times ever. Gave my sis a planner with a sticker inside, and she gave me this cute note out of cut-outs..

And a blue superman pin, with a stressball to boot.

*grin*

sis was right. Sisters are cool.

...

...

Leadership Training.

Well..nothing much to say about it..

Had to craw on my belly through grainy flour and cold granite, sell a box for 1M bucks, grin at a humungous dead rat, and ride on a broomstick.

Nica has this cool new gadget – a camera, vidcamn, webcam all in one. And its barely the size and weight of a remote control. Problem is, we cant see ourselves when we take the pic.

You do need to see yourself before you click away.

Or else, you wont come out right.

For the whole activity, I saw, heard, smelled, felt, tasted nothing but stars.

We are all stars.

We must shine.

I had half a sleepy mind to raise my hand and ask: “the brighter stars burn, the shorter their lives are, right..?”

...

...

I fought for the chance to spend even just an inkling of a minute with my sis before she flew to jantofeb.

Didn’t really care what dad or kuya said before, during, and after that. All I cared about was giving the mesh of colors to her.

Gold and white and blue. With a pearly button at the end.

“So you’ll never forget Assumption, and the people in it.”

I guess it didn’t register in my mind at that moment, that that was gonna be the last cushion-y warm hug she’ll give me for three years.

“cuti pie is a delicacy. Good for back aches, and for pregnant women. Yes, it is. Berry gud, dis cuti pie.”

Sure it is. For a dish that has goat fetus in it, its bound to be good for anything.

Can’t wait till you get home.

Groupdate tayo.

...

2005-07-02T03:56:00.000-07:00

July 2 Sat.
“I looked away
then I looked back at you.
You try to say
The things that you can’t undo..
If I had my way,
I’d never get over you.
Today’s the day
I pray that we’ll make it through..

Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all..

And I don’t wanna fall to pieces,
I just wanna sit and stare at you,
I don’t want to talk about it.
And I don’t want a conversation,
I just wanna cry in front of you,
I don’t wanna talk about it,
Coz I’m in love with you.

You’re the only one
I’d be with till the end..
When i come undone,
You bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms..

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means..

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything..

I’m in love with you
Coz I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you..” –Fall to Pieces

...

Its quite amusing when you people underestimate me. I’m stupid, not dumb. I KNOW THINGS.

Honestly, its amusing when you lie to me too. Yeah it is. I guess I’m just too shocked that you still lied to laugh out loud.

I know and I can feel certain issues..and I give you chances to confess or make up for it..and yet, you still lie.

Would it help if I said that I knew you were lying?

Would it help if I said it felt like you ripped me from the inside out, drowning me in thick blood and tears and heat in my very throat and chest?

Would it ease your guilt if I admitted that I’m being overreacting and childish, being so devastated with such a petty thing?

Would it help you realize the truth about me when I say that whenever I am lied to by the people I love and trust with all my heart and soul, I feel like the lowest, most disgusting, unsignificant creature – being unworthy even of the truth?

...

...

I wish I had enough courage – or even enough cowardice – to make my fist collide into every inch of glass, and eventually plunge a considerably big chunk into the root of all this shit I make myself go through – my heart.

I guess this is my turn to be the god of Love. Y’know that scene – where he jumps awake shrieking from the boiling oil searing his shoulder, proof of the lack of trust of his “beloved”, then he flies away with a heart-wrenching:

“Love cannot live where there is no trust!”

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t cry over somebody who killed me, but never really loved me.

“Bakit kita iiyakan, eh ni hindi mo man lang ako minahal?”

..but did you know? I did cry. Cried like there was no tomorrow. Not really for what you did to me, but to what it implied on me – what I really was. A ~~fucking~~ nobody. A nothing. Stupid and dumb. Gullible. Unworthy of anything. Pathetic.

...

...

I collapsed on my bed, radio blaring, lights blinding, celphone turned off; me crushing the softest, biggest pillow against my fever-striken body, sobbing almost uncontrollably into the mush of cotton and cloth, imagining it was you I was holding close, whimpering your name in hoarse hiccupping gasps, telling myself:

”Kunwari yakap kita ngayon..
kunwari ayaw mo ako bitawan..
Kunwari matutulog na tayo..
K-kunwari na lang..kunwari mahal mo ako..
kunwari mahal na mahal mo ako..”

Alam mo ba na matagal na kitang pinatawad – bago ka pa lantarang nagsinungaling?

Alam mo ba na mahal pa rin kita?

..at hindi ko alam kung bakit.

...

2005-06-29T06:24:00.000-07:00

Jan. 29 Wed.
“Nagtatanong:
Bakit mahirap sumabay sa agos
Ng iyong mundo?
Nagtataka:
Simple lang naman sana ang buhay-
Kung ika’y matino..

Sabihin sa’kin lahat ng lihim mo..
Iingatan ko.
Ibaling sa’kin ang problema mo..
Kakayanin ko.

Pikit-mata ko’ng iaalay
Ang buwan at araw..
Pati pa sapatos ko’ng suot.
Nagtataka:
Simple lang naman sana ang buhay-
Kung ika’y matino.

Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa pait
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit.” –Akap

...

Kapatiran was sweet.

I got to carry my sister on my back..which, for you who know me [and just how fragile I am], is an almost miraculous feat.

But I’ll write about that some other entry..

Right now, I wanna share this.

Heh. Share. What a word.

Anyway, I got this from one of my busmates [kat-kat] who I was surprised to learn could draw pretty good, and is an avid fan of whoever was the “plushie person” I kept writing on my hand – the person who she observed always made me smile and giggle and all giddy just thinking of.

[kat’s note: kat is the one who threw the ball in the background, and leoren is the one who got hit. Of course, I am the girly who’s hugging the plushie person from behind..unless I wanted to switch roles and/or genders.]

...

...

We are all fragile.

Time lets us gather the broken pieces.

Only the fire of love can melt us and shape us back into clear glass.

...

...

I want to feel myself break into a thousand pieces inside you, and hang on for dear life as your gentle kisses put me back together again.

2005-06-23T03:33:00.000-07:00

Jun. 23 Thurs.
“Lumuha ka ng nag-iisa,
nakadungaw sa buwan.
Lumilipad ang isip mo,
Nakasabit sa ulap..

Ngunit bakit,
Pinilit,
Kung ayaw ko’ng masaktan?

Sinabi ko sa kanya,
Na ‘di pa rin nililikha
Ang tulad ko’ng parang timang,
At ‘di mo pa rin maintindihan..

Malayo ang pagtitig mo,
Dala ng hangin.
Akala ko ay pwede na umasa sa iyo..

Ngunit bakit,
Pinilit,
Kung ayaw ko’ng masaktan?

Sinabi ko sa kanya
Na ‘di pa rin nililikha
Ang tulad ko’ng parang timang,
At ‘di mo pa rin maintindihan..

O bakit ba..
Pag wala ka na,
Ako’y kulang..
Ako’y kulang?

Sinabi ko sa kanya
Na ‘di pa rin nililikha
Ang tulad ko’ng parang timang,
At ‘di mo pa rin maintindihan..” –Bakit 2

...

I told you I’m no martyr.

I can hate like nobody’s business.

Naiirita din ako.

Nawawalan ng pasensya.

Bumabawi ng pangako.

Nagsusumpa ng mga tao..

I may be anemic, but I have enough blood to use my cynical analytic brain along with my blood-thirsty, pain-hungry heart.

You don’t know me.

...

...

This entry is for you people. You know who you are. If you don’t, I don’t ~~fucking~~ give a shit.

YOU. Dammit, bakit ka ba palagi umeepal sa buhay ko? Nagsimula na nga lahat sayo, ang kapal pa talaga ng pagmumukha mo na piliting magtapos din sayo! Putang ina! Putang ina ka talaga!! Hindi na ba sapat na lumayas ka na’t lahat sa kabataan ko? Hindi na ba sapat na pinahiya, pinaiyak, at pinatay mo yung dalawang pinakamamahal na lalake sa buhay ko? Ano? You think I don’t remember the times when you snuck me out and dragged me along with you just so your ~~goddamn~~ sugar dads and granddads would think you’re the sexiest, most charming creature of God they’ve ever laid eyes on? The only things I remember about you..were the bad. And the worst. Oranges and apples breaking and exploding on my his immobile back and shoulders. Pretending to be asleep beside them as you flung a bedpan to us across the room. Colors and loose powder on your face, as I try to get your attention by pulling on my doll’s pants. Your pretty smile contorted into a grimace at the sight of my sobbing form, snipping the cloth, and shooing me away as you go to your nth party.

You know why I don’t reply?
Its coz I hate you. ~~fuckin~~ hate you.
You know why I hate you?

I hate you coz I know that no matter how much I beg and cry and kill the world for you to be here for me when I really need you, you can’t. You can’t! You never will!!

...

...

YOU. Pareho lang naman tayo ng kalagayan dati eh. Siguro mas matanda ka, kaya mas nauna mo’ng nakuha ang pinaka-aasam nating dalawa. Ang langit. Masaya ako para sayo. Seryoso. Totoo po yan. Kaya lang, ang totoo din..noo’ng panahong iyon, ikaw ang langit na gusto ko. Pero di pwede diba? Sayang.. Kung hindi ako duwag, siguro may pag-asa ako sayo. Siguro wala. Ewan ko. Basta alam ko masakit yun sakin. Starving myself, breaking the habit, carving on my cabinet doors, staying up late, crying in the shower, heart racing when you’re near, chewing on my tongue, falling asleep on the floor.. don’t get hurt. I didn’t do this to hurt you. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. All me. My fault. My problem. I wanted to be her. More than anything. I never loved myself. I owe you my life, but why? Why did you judge me? Why do you think mahal ko siya kasi nakikita kita sa kanya? So yeah, you both have a lot in common, but that aint the only reason na mahal ko siya! Nagagalit ako sayo.. nasasaktan ako sa ginawa mo, sa inisip mo. Alam ko’ng di mo sinasadya.. kagaguhan ko lang talaga to eh.

But now I’m so damn angry. And friggin hurt.
I want to hate you. All of you.
Why you and not me?
Bakit nyo ‘ko ginaganto?
Di ba kayo sanay?
~~Magsama kayo!!~~

...

...

IKAW. Mahal kita. Di mo lang alam kung gaano. ‘lam mo ba’ng takot na takot ako? Takot ako na ginagago mo lang ako..na madali mo ako’ng mapapalitan, na rebound lang ako. Sa history mo ba nama’ng yan eh, masisisi mo ba ako? See? Tao din ako. Di lang ako puro pagmamahal. Adik na ako sayo, ayaw ko lang aminin kasi kaawa-awa, diba? Pinapaglaban kita.. minamahal kita kahit panay kasinungalingan ang pinamukha mo sa’kin nung umpisa.. I accepted you for who you are.. ginagawa ko ang lahat para hindi matapos ito’ng pagsasama natin.. I’m only human, dammit! I can only do so much! Tolerate so much.. swallow so much.. endure so much.. suffer so much.. I’m no ~~damned~~ saint, I run out of patience too! I feel so alone whenever you leave me out of everything, when you run away and hide from me.. feeling ko hindi ako ang para sa’yo eh. Kung ganyan ugali mo, siguro nga hindi ako ang talagang gusto mo diba? Would you really make your true love go through all that? Lagi akong inggit sa mga ex mo, kasi alam ko na talagang minahal mo sila, at alam ko na hindi ko sila mapapalitan sa puso mo. Pinaglalaruan mo lang ba ako? Ginagawa mo ba to para iligtas ako sa sakit na idudulot mo sakin? Sadista ka lang ba talaga? Masokista? Sadomasokista? Do you feel unworthy? Do you feel superior? Naniniwala ka ba na mahal kita? Naniniwala ka ba na kinuha ko na kay Anne ang puso ko at ibinigay sayo?

Siguro hindi ka naniniwala.
Siguro ang sarap talaga ako paglaruan.
Utu-uto kasi ako. I know. I hate myself more for it.
Hindi ka nagsasabi ng kahit ano sa’kin, tapos ine-expect mo na magtiyaga ako at mahalin ka pa rin?

Wag mo naman abusuhin, o!
Wala na nga’ng natitirang luha’t dugo sa katawan ko eh!

~~Pucha, kung ayaw mo talaga, wag ka na maglaro! Wala ka’ng mapapala sa putangnang gaga’ng to! Umalis ka na lang! Andaming magkakandarapa sayo! Nakapila lahat!~~

...

...

I told you.

You don’t know me.

So don’t judge me.

I want to crawl into a ~~shit~~ hole, sink my fingers into my scalp, and scream.

I got three on my right, and one on my left..

And nobody will ever know.

Now let’s all fall in line, and enter the sewing machine.

...

2005-06-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

Jun. 21 Tues.
“Sa umaga sa gabi sa
Bawat minutong lumilipas -
Hinahanap-hanap kita,
Hinahanap-hanap kita..
Sa isip at panaginip
Bawat pagpihit ng tadhana -
Hinahanap-hanap kita,
Hinahanap-hanap kita..” –hinahanap-hanap kita

...

The starting lyrics says it all.

Y’know, it just doesn’t feel right when I don’t get to talk to you..

I don’t want to be ~~downright selfish~~ demanding, I know how busy you are..at school, at home, and all the time in between.

I guess all I can do is hope you’re not angry with me..

Hope you’re doing okay, unhurt, and giving your best in all that you do.

[guys, please don’t lecture me about being a worrywart here, I know that already..and just so you know, I’m trying my damn best not to be.]

...

I don’t want to say it anymore..

Coz I know you already know it. Baka mainis ka pa kasi parang sirang plaka na ako.

Don’t even know why I say it so much.. maybe coz somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m begging you to tell me everything..

~~adik ako sayo~~
~~gusto ko ikaw kayakap ko, hindi unan ko~~
~~umuuwi ako sa’yo, hindi sa bahay na to~~
~~gusto kong ibagsak UPCAT ko para sa USTe na lang ako~~
~~hindi na ‘ko mapakali~~
~~gusto kita’ng itakas sa school mo, pamilya mo, mundo mo~~
~~I don’t know shit, and I hate it~~
~~lagi ako nag-aalala, jologs noh?~~
~~ikaw ang dahlian kung bakit ako kumakain, ngumingiti, nangungulit~~
~~kumukulo dugo ko sa antics ng mga ex mo~~
~~ayoko’ng umiiyak ka~~
~~mas takot ako sa ending kaysa sa’yo~~
~~hindi ako martir, kasi..~~
~~I want to be your everything~~

Mahal kita..andito ako para sayo.

Be happy..

2005-06-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

May 5 Sun.
“All of the things that I want to say
aren’t coming out right..
I’m tripping on words,
You’ve got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here..

Coz its you and me
And all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And its you and me
And all of the people
And I don’t know why,
I can’t keep my eyes off of you..

There’s something about you now..
I cant quite figure out -
Everything she does is beautiful..
Everything she does is right.” –You and Me

...

Ayoko na munang humiram ng mga salita ng ibang tao..
Yung akin muna.
Kahit talagang walang mga salita na papantay sa mga emosyon ng isang taong nagmamahal at minamahal.

+You+

They say heaven is a place
I say..
Heaven is a state of being.

It’s hearing your stuttering mumbled apology;
The blurred sight and sound of you
With the smell of coffee and raspberry –
Intoxicating,
Mesmerizing,
An addiction I’d gladly give in to.

It’s the slight curve of your spine;
My fingers entwined,
Almost touching tip to tip around your wrist..
Your delicate frailty
That I dared trace
With twitching,
Trembling fingers
That longed to kiss your skin.

It’s grinning at your mask-
Of ebony glass and navy cloth;
Your pulsing light eveloped,
Shrouded,
Hastily draped in
Silver links, and leather strips
Denim jeans, and rubber soles –
All of which failed to hide
Your racing heart,
And crimson blush.

It’s your face half-buried
In the crook of my neck;
Your arms reaching over, and almost around..
Chocolate fingers entwined
Melting, molding in the sugary expanse
Eyes closed, lips parted,
Pulses pounding,
And souls bared.

It’s the scent of your hair –
Of cold summers, and stifling autumns,
Strawberry concentrate
Mixed with powdered pearls;
Caressing your stray scars
With the coldness of my fingertips
As the softness of your lips
Gently pressed against my secret wounds.

I wanted to kiss your skin,
Breathe you in,
Seep into your veins..
And fall asleep inside you.

They say heaven is a place
I say..
Heaven is a state of being..
..a state of being with you.

2005-05-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

May 28 Sat.
“25 items in 10 minutes?! Aba, laser na ang katapat nito!” –Aaron

...

I’ve been attending Expert Guides entrance exams review classes 8-12noon 6 days a week since May 2, and today was the last day.

A whole month of classes just can’t be squeezed into a single entry. But ima try. Heck, it was just a buch of laughs, scribbles, and gulps of C2.

The class was mainly composed of Paulinians, AA’s, and Ateneans. The only Assumptionistas were me and my berks who took the role of teachers’ pets, and the Paulinians and Ateneans joined forces at the back as the pet peeves. We would have a lecture, then a 15min break at 10:15, then have a test before lunch. We’d scramble out the door and down the steep uneven steps, and eat lunch at katips. Well, except me. I drive by my lola’s where I’m forced to eat chowking food forever.

...

Made some friends, and a handful of enemies.

Aaron was okay, although a tad too egotistic for my taste. He was buds with Anne and the berks a year before, but got on a bad..er..thingy with them. But I don’t know shit about it, and they wont tell me. So I don’t mind hanging out with him and listening to his confused heart. He always talks about how he wants to make his upper body all buff and bigger, about boxing and wrestling and basketball and missing the girl he used to talk to in his dreams.

Adrian was Aaron’s cousin, and he was nice. Hardly talked, but nice. He always had his nose in a classic book, and got the highest grades in the math subjects. We even got tied at perfect scores in the geometry test once, and both blushing at the teacher’s comment that we were “meant to be”. And..there’s this issue about his er..gender. Don’t mind though, I figured it out the moment he half-strutted through the door wearing a Coco Chanel necklace.

Burger was the life of the party. That’s what I called her. The others called her spongebob, coz she had this spongebob coleman she always brought with her, but I think its coz she always has this cute smile on her face, and makes jokes all the time. She’s the friendliest of the bunch, and can make anyone laugh. I don’t hold anything against it, and I honestly think I envy her for having that aura and face and smile. I think everybody else does too.

Lester Tandoc was special. He sat at the edge of the first row, and became my seatmate for sometime. I called him seatmate. My berks called him LT [coz there’s another Lester in class]. Turns out to be the younger brother of a former AA student Leslie Tandoc, and that sparked my berks’ interest. We got along real well..super. He was mostly quiet, but when he was pissed, he would suddenly shout remarks that made us jump and laugh. We’d have fun teasing him about his girlfriend Joy, and maika would make him double over with her antics. Real person, this one. And we all loved him.

Miguel was the loudest of the Ateneans. And that wasn’t a good thing. He had the worst lisp I ever beheld, and I wasn’t supposed to mind. C’mon, its just a lisp. But my berks found it hilarious. They called him daffy duck, and Maika swore that when he talked, she’d hear nothing but “blah blah br-ribbit..ribbit.. quack..quack..” I knew it was wrong to make fun of him, and I admit I was bad. I mean, I hardly knew the guy. If I had another chance, I’d apologize for laughing, and make him my friend. But word got out, and he never tried to talk to us ever again.

Humbert was the one who came in earliest. No matter how early I’d arrive, he’d already be there sleeping on his desk. He always seemed tired and bored, but never ran out of jokes to share. He was a pretty nice person, but its damn hard to break through that loud barkada of his that surrounds him all the time. Oh well.. The bits of time we spend chatting, him and my berks in the morning are nice. Exchange of chocolates and candies and yawns.

The girls from St.Scho who sat behind us were kind and warm and friendly. It was rare that we got to talk to them as much as they talked to each other, but every chance was real and light and not plastikan. There’s this girl named Billy who didn’t have any friends at all in that class. She sad secluded in the other half of the room, and never talked to anyone. We all felt sorry for her, and tried to be friends, but to no avail. But hey, I bet she has friends naman eh. Wanted to be one, though.

...

Lots of laughs, jokes, sitting on the floor [only Assumptionistas do!], eating cloud9 and passing around packs of chichirya, drinking from everyone else’s bottles of C2, wearing jackets on the front, rolling up the sleeves, and saying “vrrooom..vroom!! ‘san baba nyo?” as Assumption toda, growling about the heat, and swaying with the oscilating aircon.

Exchanging jackets and screaming in fake agony [as a lasallite wears an ateneo jacket, and vice versa], wearing the same article of clothing as your other friends for the day, having a crush on the strict geom teacher and finding out he already has a family and never seeing him again after that subject [*cough* ANNE! *cough* SIR RAI! *cough*], trembling with fear at the strictness of a perfectionist substitute teacher and finding out he’s can be the most hilarious guy if the occasion calls for it [*cough* sir joe! *cough*], and having a crush on a sexy chem. teacher before finding out how strict she is and that she was a runner up for the binibining Pilipinas [*twitch* me]..

Its scribbling equation after equation on a piece of pad paper, and eventually not really caring about those fuckin fucktorials, and just sketching away, coming up with a fairy of the conic sections..

[sabaw na talaga utak ko nung ginawa ko to..]

...

And here’s the bunch..in all its weirdness.

I’ll never forget this experience. Its kinda like one of those close encounters with the freaky kind.

2005-05-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

May 26 Thurs.
“Go ahead..choose your poison.” –me

...

It’s funny how 4 words can turn a nice conversation into a series of doubt-filled days.

I chatted with that tall lanky guy who acted and talked like he was a son of heaven, and actually enjoyed his tactics of playing around. Payback time, ne? I can play good too.

Gameplan?

Our very own sadistic fantasies.

He never go to share his, coz that bitch of a pc of his screwed. Damn.

They should know better than to leave a sadomaso hanging. He owed me!

...

An innocent status turned a nice afternoon into a bad one haunted with the ghosts from the past.

I didn’t mean to..

I’m sorry.

But hey, I understand. I’ll try not to do that again.

C’mon, rest assured you guys..kahit anong kina-gwapo, yaman, astig, or whatever ng kung sinong lalakeng lumapit sakin, sorry. I’m already happily in love with a beautiful heart.

Sa tingin mo ba hahayaan ko’ng makuha ako ng iba?

..nothing’s worse than a plushie threatened..

2005-05-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

May 15 Sun.
“I’ve got to be honest –
I think you know..
We’re covered in lies, and that’s OK.
There’s somewhere beyond this, I know..
But I hope I can find the words to say.
...
Never again..no..
No never again..
...
Coz you’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought that you would know..
You’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought I’d let you go..-You’re a God

...

Taking off that mask was never more difficult, ne?

“There. kill me. I deserve it.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Oh c’mon!”
“What? You’re still my plushie..i still love you..wala naman nagbago sa pagmamahal ko sayo eh..”
“You..”
“What?”
“You have gotta be kidding.”

And just for the record..

Yes, I did know. But yes, the lies still hurt me.

I just wanted you to tell me yourself..in your own time.

And now that you have..

Yes. I still love you all the same.

*smiles gently*

2005-05-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

May 2 Tues.
“waw..mahal mo talaga siya.. Namamangha ako sa’yo..pero naaawa at the same time..”

...

Second day of review classes, and I was late. Damn it all, I was late. And for the most pathetic of reasons.

Che!

Asungot sa buhay ko ‘yang babaeng yan eh..parang linta na laging iniirita si dad, at si dad naman di makayanang humindi sa dating pag-ibig..

And no, I’m not talking about my mom.

Poga..

I never liked her. Kuya never liked her either. Ang feeling nya eh, pakiramdam nya angkin nya buong household. Sabagay, kapit-tuko nga naman sa kanya ang puso ni ama, kaya tila hawak nya ang kapangyarihan. Puta’ng gala..

Ay du naaat layk yu!

Nasa Canada ka na nga, di mo pa rin tinigilan ama ko! Araw araw sa ginawa ng Diyos, tawag ka nang tawag dito and for what? Advice regarding your work? Ampoga talaga..eh kung di mo naman pala kaya’ng magtrabaho jan mag-isa mo, eh ba’t ka pa lumisan jan?? Ginagamit mo lang naman talents ng dad ko sa trabaho eh, and you hardly give him credit!

Fuck! I don’t like you talaga! Did I stress that enough? You’re living proof na mana-mana lang, kasi ako..marami din ako’ng nakilalang katulad mo sa buhay ko..

Makipag-break na at lahat, saying you fell for a younger, better, sweeter man..manigas ka! Now you’re crawling back and making it seem like you’re just being “good friends”? Don’t you know that you’re just keeping this wound open and fresh, providing false hopes for an ever-faithful, completely hopeless compassionate heart on a daily basis?? And you’re saying you just want advice?!

Want MY advice?

Get the hell away from my dad, and get your own life!

TRYING-HARD BIATCH!

...

...

Good thing the teacher was nice, and we were introducing ourselves for the day. Good thing my barkada was crazy as ever, and I was doubled over laughing most of the time.

I’m worried sick of my plushie again, missing him like crazy. Ho-hum. I just hope he’s okay..

I know my barkada thinks me stupid for being like this, and I know how they must feel. I know they’re just holding their tongues so as not to make such a big deal out of this, but I know something too..

I’m different.

And I have to deal with that.

...

Things are being kept from me again, and I don’t like it.

I have this sickening gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. And the fact that the feeling is strong yet subtle and oddly calm is a sure sign that its something very very bad.

It’s like that odd lurching sense of dark surprise when you miss a step on the stairs. It’s that rushing empty feeling of vertigo, falling into a soft mass of nothingness.

I feel like crying. But I can’t cry. I won’t.

Coz there’s no reason to.

Or is there?

Damn it..i don’t always like being right.

And in this case..

I HATE THAT I’M RIGHT.

2005-04-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

Apr. 23 Sat.
“Maybe I’m a little addicted,
Maybe I just can’t get out of this..
Maybe it’s just too soon to say.
...
I’ve seen you blow right past my window-
You flew away and I was left inside
Without a clue..
But if you think I’m too stoned to write,
Don’t think twice
Free your mind
Don’t let me down –
We’ll find a way to make it go away..
...
I went ahead without direction –
A form of semi-self-mutilation..
Dragonfly collides with truth;
Why can’t you see me like I see you?
Can’t you feel me like I feel you?
Can’t you be with me tonight?” –Dragonfly

...

It’s true.

I’ve never been so damn happy in all my life..

So what the hell is wrong?

...

There’s this little voice in the back of my mind that’s ruining everything.

The damn devil’s advocate.

Its that little scream you hear when you go ”all in” at poker..that little trembling crick in your wrist when you push away all those colorful chips..

Dammit..i wish I didn’t think so much..i wish I was just a happy-go-lucky person who doesn’t have to analyze every single fuckin thing that involves the risks in this thing called love..

Blind trust..

Infinite patience..

Faith without question..

Fearless courage..

Unconditional love.

Why can’t I just have those things? Why do I have to have doubts and fears and misgivings and impatience? Ah, damn me.. but then again.. Isn’t it supposed to be like that? For normal people..i would be utterly stupid.

...

...

“Kilala ko siya. Hindi yan magpapakita. Kaya wag ka na umasa.”

That one was nothing less than an arrow to the ribs. My world was crashing and I felt like falling off the terrace railings. I’d rather die than get fucked over again..i had too much of that already.. just too much..

But I realized that I didn’t really hope for myself..

I hoped for him.

The “showing up” wasn’t really for me..it was for him too. If I was left high and dry, it would only mean that he’s still hiding and stuck in that rut that deprives him of the happiness he deserves.

It takes time, though. I got time. We all got time. Who’s in a hurry? Not me. I’m willing to wait. Wait can be good.. But when I see that I’m just not the one for you, I’ll stop plaguing you and help you find that person who is.

I’m just taking this chance that I AM the one.

What a risk..what a price..

But I choose to take it. Choose to pay it.

Mahal ko, eh.

...

I guess I’ve been playing Kathryn for too long..

Ayoko na.

It’s all been a joke, twisted and cruel and sickening. I decided I’d rather die broken-hearted than empty.

I took the biggest risk, and bared my soul.

I dreaded the cab that would most probably run me over..but if it had to come to that in order to prove my love, then I’ll stand fast.

Nothing would make me happier than pointing down to that certain person beside my limp body in the ambulance and say:

“Father God! Father God! Minahal ko yun, o! Buong puso’t kaluluwa po! Masakit at mahirap po, kasi napaka-complicated..pero masaya ako kasi minahal ko pa rin.. Gusto ko rin po siya makita’ng masaya.. Sana po mahanap na niya ang tunay na para sa kanya, at ipaglaban siya.. Para makuha na niya ang kanyang happily ever after!”

No wait..

One thing WOULD make me happier..

...

“Father God, bakit Mo ako pinapa-balik?! Dito na ako, diba? Gusto ko mag-watch over sa mga mahal ko..”

“Nagmamaka-awa kasi yung mahal mo eh..ibalik daw kita..”

“Huh? Bakit daw??”

“Eh ikaw na daw kasi yung happily ever after niya.”

*smiles gently*

Wishful thinking?

Maybe.

But I guess.. that when you’re loving truly, honestly, and unconditionally, there’s really nothing to be afraid of.

2005-04-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

Apr. 22 Fri.
“Your smile is gently freezing,
snow throws it away..
you’re the laughter in my silence,
the crow that keeps me awake.
Green towel less soft spoken,
Thoughts you never knew;
The lies and empty promises –
I gave them all to you.
...
How does it feel?
How is it that I can’t feel?
Coz I, I need to know..
...
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
And I, I think it’s shiny and blue,
Like a dance that’s see-through..
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
Now everything is silent,
Everything is still without you near.
...
Everything about you -
The world was something new..
And I was there at the open,
Well just to be with you..
But everytime I see the shelter,
Everytime I walk away..
You’re the laughter in my silence,
The cold that feeds my day.
...
How does it feel?
How is it that I can’t feel?
Coz I, I need to know..
...
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
And I, I think it’s shiny and blue –
Like a dance that’s see-through..
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
Now everything is silent,
And everything is still without you near.
...
And everytime I see you passing by,
I just stand here waiting for you..
And I will talk to myself,
What a lazy Sunday afternoon..
And I’ll still say that prayer for you.
I’ll be your everything, count on me..
I’ll try to be so perfect, you’ll see..
But nothing can compare to you –
Whatever lies out there.” –Neon

...

him: “Paano kung hindi ako para sa’yo?”
me: “meaning what?”
him: “..that I’m not good enough for you..”
me: “what if you ARE?”
him: “nagpapatawa ka ba?”
me: “no..”
him: *hugs* “sana hindi na kita masaktan..”
me: “okay lang..mahal naman kita eh..”
him: “I’m telling you..don’t.”
me: “don’t what?”
him: “don’t love me.”
me: “why the hell not??”
him: “..because I don’t deserve it.”
me: “everyone deserves to be loved..”
him: “except me.”

No. ESPECIALLY YOU.

...

2005-04-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

Apr. 21 Thurs.
“I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
my weakness is that I care too much..
My scars remind me that the past is real –
I tear my heart open just to feel..
...
I tried to help you once,
Against my own advice..
I saw you going down,
But you never realized:
That you’re drowning in the water,
So I offered you my hand..
Compassion’s in my nature,
Tonight is our last stand.
...
Coz you’re drowning in the water,
And I tried to grab your hand..
I left my heart open,
But you didn’t understand..
You didn’t understand..” –Scars

...

How do you make your dreams come true?

Wake up.

...

2005-04-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

Apr. 18 Mon.
“I’m watching me make a fool of myself,
Silently speaking my wish to be free..
Turning my world inside out,
Spin my emotions, building my doubt..
...
I fed on this strangeness plain and true,
But there was nothing beneath it, I knew..
I see myself falling from grace –
My love fading without a trace..
...
I’m tired of waiting here for you,
Can’t waste my time, I’m leaving you
I’m tired of waiting here, waiting here –
For you, you, you, you..” –Leaving You

...

Hindi ako selosa.

Hindi talaga, eh. Love is never jelous.

Pero, poga! Iba na ‘to!

...

Stupid war..

I hate this war!

Actually, I hate the fact that the people fighting it are losing their valuable quality time that they should be spending with the people who they love..and most importantly, who love THEM!

I’m sure im not the only one going through this – sa karami-raming tao na “lumalaban” sa gera’ng to, siguradong marami din na nagseselos kasi yung mga minamahal nila mas binibigyang pansin at oras at damdamin ang mga kaaway – take note, ha? KAAWAY – nila imbis na yung mga minamahal at nagmamahal sa kanila..

Its so damn..pathetic! No offense to those who are fighting here, I know you do it for a cause – proving to the world the injustice and deceit that creature has caused – but please..take time to stop? Please?

You’ve said what you want to say. Please stop. Wala na magagawa ang pag-iinsulto. Furthermore, I don’t want you guys stooping down to her level..don’t you see? This is what she wants! She craves attention, feeds on it..and you’re giving it to her! It doesn’t matter if its negative or positive, ang habol nya ay makilala..mapansin..

Akala ko ba kaaway siya? Eh bakit nyo binibigay sa kanya yung gusto niya?

Okay, fine..masaya mang-insulto. Ako, nasisiyahan din ako – lalo na pag walanyang putang gala’t ragis ang iniinsulto ko. Pero..tao din yan. Kung ano ma’ng kabulastugan ang ginawa niya, hayaan nyo na lang kaya? She’ll get her share in the afterlife – a punishment much worse than what you can do. It’s all a matter of time, ne?

...

Over acting nanaman ba ako?

Siguro nga.

Eh kayo rin naman eh!

Tingnan nyo nga sarili nyo? Sige, tingnan nyo.

Oo nga’t sinaktan niya kayo’ng lahat. Sa sari-saring paraan. Masakit. Malupit. Masunog nawa siya sa lupalop ng impyerno’t gahasain ni satanas.

Oo nga gusto nyo gumanti. Kung hindi man ganti, gusto nyo sirain buhay nya. O kaya ibulgar lang sa mundo ang kasamaan at baho niya para di na siya lapitan ng mga “kaibigan” niya.

Giving a few public messages should have done the trick, pero hindi eh..binaha niyo! Fine, nakakatuwa na makita’ng parang wala siya’ng magawa kasi pinagtutulungan niyo siya at ang galing galing nyo.

Pero sumobra kayo. Hindi ako kampi sa kanya, okay? Pero grabe. Sobra na yun.

Ano’ng definition ko ng sobra?

I analyze people. And I say that she’s just narcissistic and suffering from delusions of grandeur. She has an ego the size of Texas, and what you’re doing is feeding her ego.

Insulting her to this extent is too much, coz to any person who didn’t know better, it would seem like she’s the victim. Or worse..that she’s a goddess who single-handedly ruined so many peoples’ lives, and now they’re finally crawling out of the shadows and ganging up on her – regardless of the fact that she’s “skinny” and “wannabe goth” and “practically shapeless”.

You’re complimenting her! Cant you see?!

Its...disgusting!

It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it..you’re actually giving her time of day?? Why the fuck?!

...

Okay fine.

Maybe I don’t know any better. Maybe I am just an ignorant person who doesn’t know the whole story.

But I know one thing..

I fuckin miss my plushie.

...

...

To all those fighting this war, I beg of you.

Please..try to take time and look at just what you’re doing..

I’ll bet..you’re all losing sleep..can’t seem to get those insults and fresh ideas of how to get back at your “enemies” out of your heads and mouths..your eyes and fingers are strained from searching the net, reading and typing even more retaliations..nauubos na mga internet cards nyo..sumasakit na mga likod at leeg nyo sa kaka-upo sa harap ng PC..

And worst of all..

You don’t get to spend time with or even listen to your loved ones.

I can tell you one thing. They’re damn scared. Scared that they’re gonna lose you to some half-blood whore who fucked you over in the past..

Is fighting this war and getting sweet momentary revenge worth losing the people who love you now?

...

Sure, she’s wrecking everybody’s lives..and she probably won’t stop.

But why don’t you strenthen the bonds and relationships you have with the people you really love and trust – the real ones who won’t leave your side no matter what?

That way, no matter what she does or says, you’ll stay strong together. And nothing can wreck that. Maybe you’ll lose some people, but you would have gained your few, yet true friends.

Okay. Maybe I’m getting all cheesy and pathetic here..but its friggin true!

And besides. Keep this in mind. As my kuya always says..

Its not how many you know. Its WHO you know.

...

...

*grumbles*

I really hate this war..and since everybody seems to still be asleep at 9am [most probably from scheming all night], I’m gonna do what I do best when I’m bored and neglected.

Do them quizzes. Oh yeah.

You are Ayame!

Which Fruits Basket Sohma are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh my dear Lord have mercy on my androgynous soul..

You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh well..another one. Need I say I’m pissed right now?

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.

What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
*sigh*..how true. I like the pic, though.

In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
*flicks a smile* and I thought quizzes weren’t accurate..

Your inner soul is calling for help! You always
seem so depressed, lonely, and feel like an
outsider. You may have a cold, sad exterior,
but in all reality you are hurt inside and
bottling up all of your anger. Everyday you
wonder why are you still here when there is
nothing left? You use to once be a happy,
loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and
seems like it never can be fixed again.
However, you have yet seemed to realize that
there are people out there that deeply care for
you. They secretly have a thing for you because
they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full
of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest
person in the world! You like to enjoy your
time by yourself expressing your feelings
through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet
scenaries that just dazzle your mind with awe.
Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where
you can hide out, hidden from those who gave
you all of the pain. Try to loosen up and have
some fun! Never start frowning because you
never know who's falling in love with your
smile :)

What Is Your Inner Soul Trying To Say? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
I used to think chobits was all saccharine cute and shit, but damn..*evil grin*

The Goddess of Ice and Hope. You are a creative
wonder. Always calm and collected, you hold the
awe of many people and you are exceptionally
logical. You are an inspirational beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
the goddess of ice and hope, huh? Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

*rofl* you be the judge. *wink*

Your Brain is 33.33% Female, 66.67% Male

You have a total boy brain
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...
You never like to get feelings too involved

What Gender Is Your Brain?

ooooookay, so this pretty much explains it all. :p

Which Saiyuki boy are you?

Take the Saiyuki Quiz at Scarred

*grin* cho gono..i mash you. *bow*.

Everything About You Survey
Created by Crimsontear and taken 10234 times on bzoink!
Personal Information
First Name//	celine
Age//	16 [sometimes older, sometimes younger...]
Gender//	erm....somewhere between a newter and a bi...
Nickname(s)//	cel, len, len-len, celes, icequeen, shallowcuts, marquise de sadde, celda, tangkad, tangky, sis, plushie
Hair Color//	black [minsan blue-black, ewan kung bakit..]
Hair Style//	wala. [its just hair. it grows outta your head. gravity pulls it down.]
Eye Color//	dark brown [wish ko lang silver grey....haaay!]
What is your favorite
Color//	black [or red, if you want to get technical..]
Game//	hmm...the Watch Celine Crash and Burn game. [its available in playstation1&2, Xbox, PC, and even true-to-life!]
Song//	....iris.
Music Video//	hmm...ah! the 2nd version of Dare You to Move by switchfoot [sobrang astig...its about this guy who 'dies' then 'lives again' in different parts of his life..]
Animal//	erm..the mimic octopus [one of the wierdest, wackiest most peculiar creetyurs ob GAAD...]
Sport//	archery. [but i quit coz i suck working with a TEAM..]
Country//	never been to one..but i guess it would most probably be greece..or italy..
Movie//	the ten commandments!
Food//	pizza....penne al brandy... [drool...]
Friends
Best//	none..
Funniest//	all of em. [:P]
Coolest//	hmm....ate sop.
Sweetest//	im not sure..probably beija and ate sop. they smell like strawberries. :P
Kindest//	smiles basta...marami yan..
Annoyingest//	is there such a word..? anyway...si rosalyn!!
Dullest//	che! wala!
Stupidest//	wala....ah, me.
Most Intelligent//	all of em..
Athletic//	ate sop. :P
Relationships
Boy(Girl)friend//	none..
Are you in love right now//	.....yes... [hopefully not with a dream or a lie..not again..]
Do you have a crush//	nope
Do you have a stalker//	erm...3. [dont ask..]
Do you miss someone right now//	yeah. like HELL.
What do you do
At school//	daydream
At home//	daydream and eat
Outside//	try not to spin around in the rain
When you first wake up//	twitch basta.. [hides]
What _____do you hate
Food//	liver. [cant stand the sandy texture..urgh..]
Color//	hot pink. [nakakasunog ng mata..]
Hair color//	shrugs i dunno...rainbow?
Tv show//	american idol [its pathetic, really.]
Clothing style//	clashing, nagfee-feeling style [ang sarap bigyan ng pera.."o heto..bumili ka ng damit pang-tao]
Movie//	erm..vanilla sky..? [it made my soul ache..]
Emotions Right Now
Are You Happy Right Now//	not...really... [coz my love isnt happy...]
Sad//	yes.. [Fate just won't get off our case..and i feel so..lied to..so pathetic...]
Grumpy//	a bit..
Annoyed//	yeah. [at myself for being so stupid..for loving too much..for trusting too much...]
Angry//	yes. at this....thing in the mirror.. [i want to kill her...]
Sick//	yeah. sick. want to throw up..
Lonely//	very. [i doubt i'll ever rise from this for good..]
Bored//	not really. i just want to sleep....sleep......
Have you ever
Made your own religion//	yeah. ["purihin ang mga bassista sa mundo!!"]
Written backwards//	sometimes..
Written your own magazine//	sa english project..its called EYRE times [Every Young Reader's Entertainment. oh devah?? chenes!]
Drawn art//	all the time..
Got angry with a game//	haha, yeah..got real ugly. [harry potter playstation 1, sa gringotts bank...ang sarap..graarghhh!!]
Played Lacrosse//	nope.
Broken a bone//	erm..i dont think so..
Dyed your hair//	nope.
Put in contacts for no reason//	haha, no way..
Swam alone//	yeah... [felt so good and so damn scary at the same time..]
Things that come to mind when you read...
Intelligentence//	er..fluffy pink bunnies hopping around on a cartesian plane..
Stupidity//	crickets...a wet fuse
Depress//	punch
Blood//	twitch the face of Mina Harker when she was licking her lips oh so sensuously after she bit the guy's neck in LXG movie.. [swoon]
Blue//	sapphire..
Gray//	Draco malfoy's eyes
Sword//	ruroini kenshin.
Golf//	dad.
Soccer//	a black-studded ball..?
Yellow//	les' chike. [laughs] and the chicks i killed at zamboanga for fun back when i was 7..
Socks//	golden toe
Ribbon//	snow white choking to death
Random Questions
Play Sports, if so, what ones//	archery
Have a lot of friends//	yeah
Write good//	i hope so..
Eat a lot//	starting to..
Like the day Friday//	oh yeah..
Like the month December//	its..okay..
Do you(or are you)
(DY)Give good advice//	so they say.. [doctora lavv is in the house!]
(DY)Talk crap//	constantly.
(DY)Play a lot of games//	yeah..i even make up games in my head.
(DY)Wear hats//	nope
(DY)Like to be outside//	not really...only to be alone.
(AY) Always mad//	nope
(AY) Always happy//	hell nope
(AY) A good friend//	...i hope..
This or that (Last questions)
Night or day//	night
Snow or Rain//	twitch gyah!!! BOTH!!
Stars or the Moon//	the dark night sky.
Ocean or Pool//	ocean
Boat or Plane//	boat
Books or Magazines//	books
Yu-Gi-Oh Cards or Pokemon Cards//	neither.
Blonde or Black Hair//	black
Green or Blue Eyes//	green
Pants or Shorts//	pants
Pop or Rock//	rock
Punk or Emo//	emo
Tatoos or Piercings//	tatoos..
Necklace or Ring//	erm..depends.
Clouds or No Clouds//	clouds..
Art or Literature//	twitch daya!! BOTH!
Jeans or Baggy Pants//	jeans
Singing or Dancing//	singing..
March or May//	march..
Halloween or Christmas//	Christmas i guess..
Coke or Pepsi//	Coke.
Hug or Kiss//	...blush
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

Boredom can do wonders.

...

2005-04-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

Apr. 16 Sat.
“You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin..
There’s dry blood, on your wrist –
Your dry blood, on my fingertip..
...
Running down corridors through,
Automatic doors
Got to get to you..
Got to see this through..” –Wires

...

I take things too seriously. I know that.

I take people seriously. Especially the ones I love the most.

“Pag hindi ako nag-text ng 11am, magdasal ka na!”

Can you blame me if I carved myself on my cabinet door with my fingernails when you wouldn’t answer your phone?

Yes you can.

I over reacted.

Stupid of me?

Oh yes.

...

What to do?

But a dram of poison and drink up the whole mess? Nah..

Sleep is more like it.

My whole being longed for sleep. I let the Child’s final whim close my eyes and drown my mind in Morpheus’ whispers.

If it wasn’t for dad’s shouting and shaking me awake, I would have slipped into a coma.

Again.

...

The futile attempt of standing up straight in church, with that sacristan glancing at me every other minute, sleepy despair weighing down my limbs and eyelids, the priest hitting home with his homily, and the nagging feeling that I was going to get a casual message confirming my stupidity as soon as I step into the car.

*twitch*

Well..my wish and prayer came true..

He was okay.

Now let me crawl into my little rut and die.

...

Over reacting.

Over acting.

Stupid.

Pathetic.

Dimwit.

Worrywart.

Insignificant.

Sleepyhead.

Blip.

Rebound.

Fallback.

..just a few words that kept repeating in my head as I gave in to my infernal slumber.

Listen to my background music. It pretty much explains it all.

...

2005-04-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

Apr. 15 Fri.
“Two words. ONLINE and RELATIONSHIP. Tapos.” –twinstar

...

I was hoping this would be a night of escape..

Turned out to be a night of drowning.

Why am I always an issue when it comes to bull sessions?

Why am I always different?

“Celine..why him?”

As I sat there, their ever so simple question ringing in my alcohol-slurred mind, I stared at Maika and papa Joe cuddling and whacking each other in the corner listening to their underground songs on an iPod..

And I wondered..

Bakit hindi ako katulad na lang nila?

...

I admit. Ang bano ko.

Isang weng-weng at bote ng redhorse?

Putang gala...

Weak, dammit. But it did the job.

Why is it so damn easier to spill your guts out when you’re drunk and can hardly hear your own slurred voice?

Why is it harder to cry?

Or maybe I just didn’t notice the tears silently trickling down my cheeks as I stared blankly into Orion’s belt, and muttering my litany of “I want”s...

Why..do I always end my litany with that last, tiny, off-tangent request of mine..

“But what I really want?
I want him to..be happy..whoever he really is..
Yeah..have a happy life..
For him to find that special someone who’ll make him happy and cast off his mask once and for all..
For him to fight for the one he loves, and spend the rest of his life with that person..
I want him to never give up on himself, on life, love, on God, and on others..
I want him to be the best that he can be.. make a good difference in this world..
Dammit..i want to be there when he holds her hand on his wedding day..yeah..”

I was pathetic. Such a dreamer. Being drunk was a lame excuse.

I think I did get to laugh at some point..

It was when they all fell silent, let me make my ‘mistake’, twinstar leaning over and kissing the corner of my mouth with a faint:

“Twinstar..you have got to be the most selfless little lover I have ever met.”

...

...

There were some points during that night..that will leave permanent marks on my memory for the rest of my life, I think.

Dressing up to my heart’s extent, only to have kuya force me to wear a thick, heavy, brown crocheted poncho saying I look good and romantic in it..

..then facing the mirror, disgusted by the look and feel of it, and disgusted even further with kuya’s remark that it used to be my mom’s, and it’s supposed to look good on me coz it looked good on her too..

Actually getting my hopes up and being giddy all day – even smiling and fixing myself up in a blue outfit and borrowed nica’s blue earrings that weighed a ton..

..then losing it all to a bachelor’s party, and another insufferable IOU from that jerk named Next Time and his faithful sidekick I Promise..

Wrapping my arm around the wobbling form of a much more drunk Anne, pointing out cute guys and telling her that any one of those could be her prince charming, and hearing our slurred laughter drown in the buzz of the crowd..

..Then me turning my head and seeing those cute guys’ girlfriends wrap their arms around them and the guys kiss their foreheads..

Singing that song for all I was worth, jumping up and down and waving my hands like a true boyband singer, screaming into the microphone with Anne right beside me doing the exact same thing..

..then losing my voice to a much louder chorus of broken-hearted, suicidal, sado-masochistic people, proving that I sure as hell ain’t the worst case scenario in the world when it came to love..

...

The nagging feeling that this is a test.

Or that I have to go through one..

And the gnawing feeling that if this was just a test, it would have proved of how little I really mean to someone.

Remember, Child..love is patient..

Period.

...

2005-04-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

Apr. 8 Fri.
“Alagaan mo siya, ha? Winawalanghiya nanaman nya buhay nya eh..gusto ko kayo ang magkatuluyan!”

...

I got my card, dropped my jaw at my tragic geometry grade of 84 [needless to say, I failed that quarterly test. Thanks to the preschool who kept singing barney songs the whole friggin time!!]

Well, at least my average was high.

Kuya and I roaming around the campus and carefully filling in a blank check, only to realize we spelled FORTY as FOURTY.

Beija walking around looking for death himself – or should I say HERself..only to prod me in the arm every half hour. *grins*

Coming home to a big white box wafting with humid heat and the smell of stale food, only to slump down in my bed to a celphone with utterly no messages.

Worry.

Sick with worry.

Go online, get a question instead of a decent answer..only to realize my worrying was not in vain.

Damn it. Damn me. Damn these blasted masks we wear.

...

The urge to take action. Cast aside the pride and shame, this is the love of my life, we’re talking about!

Rolled up my sleeve and tested the waters.

“I’m okay, really! I’ve just been asleep..don’t worry, of course I’ve been eating! C’mon..di ko na dadagdagan problema mo..”

An odd blend of emotions washing over me, frying my skin..anger, rage, frustration, love, and care..

And a faint smile creeping across my lips..

Damn..he’s good at this.. I would have said and done the exact same thing..

...

Let the other out..grabbing an imaginary collar and clenching my hand into a fist.

“I may be stupid, but I sure as hell ain’t dumb!”

The thought of someone hugging me tight and crying on my shoulder..melting my heart.

And the fact that the reason was fear of hurting me – broke my heart.

Why did we have to have so much in common?

Why did we both have to lead the same lives? Running and hiding and blindly slashing at anybody who comes to close..

Why can’t I seem to break his shell, when I’ve broken out of my own just to reach out to him and touch his half clown mask?

Why do I feel like I’m not the one, even if he tells me otherwise countless times?

Why do I patiently sit beside a kiddie tunnel, waiting for him to come out?

Why do I feel like I can make a difference? Grab him by the waist, hold his tiny hands in mine, gently pry him from the barbed wire fence, wipe the blood off his eyes, help him take off that blasted mask..make him smile?

Maybe im a dreamer too. Living in my own parallel world that I have created just to escape the clutches of Reality..

Maybe I can’t help him fly again..

But agreeing that we should share the hurts and pains is a start.

...

2005-04-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

Apr. 7 Thurs.
“I love him..and I am not ashamed..
I only have a corner bench to be with him every night..
But that corner is mine..
Its my life..” –Les Miserables

...

Yeah, I heard.

I heard the sickening wet sound of Fate’s tongue licking the side of my face.

I twitched, but refused to cringe. Not again. Not ever.

...

I looked him in the eye and said: “Oo, mahal ko siya.”

Its true.

Your secrets shall be heard from the rooftops. He said so himself, so many years ago.

Well, let it be heard. I am not ashamed. I’ll fight for the one I love with all I’m worth.

And I did..

And the cruel winds fought back.

...

He was shouting..

I was almost trembling to my very core. I felt my skin sizzle, as the child in me scratched frantically around the rough inner walls of Sadako’s fathomless well.

Desperate for salvation..anything..anything..

Nothing.

Only more despair.

...

I stared at the space beside him.

I couldn’t bear to look at his face, his eyes, his mouth..as his endless words flowed out like a mesh of sticky webs, fusing into a single thick cord that wound around my neck and broke my ribs.

I was trapped. Once again the the all-too-familiar rut that I seem to always fall into every single time I finally get to close my fingers around something I truly want..

Too familiar..

The cycle of my curse.

But I stood up and chose to break it with my own hands.

...

...

I was too young..to love? Is that it?

It’s not love because we’ve never laid eyes on each other?

I’ts just infatuation even if I loved him for a year and a half?

It’ll destroy my future? Me, being in love?

He’s just fooling around, all because I don’t see his face when he says he loves me?

Will everybody just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME? FOR ONCE??

...

Yeah. Listen to me.

You’re not listening to me.

You never do. Never did. All of you.

Haha. My own flesh and blood have an immunity to my voice.

You know why I never talked when I was younger?

Because I never saw the point. Why talk when nobody listens? Nobody tries to truly listen..

They drawl and chatter, without even really saying anything..and expect me to listen to that empty mass of words? No thank you. I’d rather talk to the plants. And the moon. And the ocean. And the wind..

What I hate more is when I finally muster just enough courage and voice projection to say: “Listen to me!”, you stop talking, say an exasperated “fine, then! talk!”..but I hardly finished my sentence, when you cut in and flood the air with your own mindless chatter..again.

You heard me, yes. But you didn’t take time to truly listen.

This is why I never talked. Napanis laway ko, pero wala akong paki-elam. Walang kwenta magsalita kung di ka naman susubukang intindihin o bigyang importansiya.

I’d rather let my saliva rot in my mouth rather than waste it on pointless hopeless talk to deaf ears and narrow minds.

But you know what I hate the most?

Is when I sit in a corner – silent, exhausted, and broken – and the lot of you look around, see me hiding, grab my arm, shake me, and demand why I’m so silent.

So damn funny..ain’t it?

...

...

I love him..

I know it’s quite stupid to do so..to feel the way I do now..

If it was anybody else, they would have given up the moment he said those first five words that would smash any princess’ dream.

But I didn’t give up. I tried my damn best to keep loving and caring for him, despite the lies, the controversies, the endless rumors, the complications, and the masks.

I have so much at risk here..and so little at the same time.

But I’m taking that chance. I took it..and I stay true to my word..

No matter what happens..

I only wanted him to be happy. I know he’s done a lot of bad things in the past – worse than most people have done..but I also know that there is good in him..and that good is precious to me..to God, even..

It breaks my heart to have even just the slightest idea of his past hurts and pains..especially at the fact that we have almost the exact same scars..

I choose to see the good in him. And that’s what keeps me here..

He even called me delirious..and I agree! Maybe I am..but I believe..for once, I surrendered my everything to that small flicker of hope and faith..

Yes, maybe in time, some things will happen that will cause us to clash or drift..but I hold on the the hope that if it is true love, then we’d overcome anything and everything..

Even Time.

...

I’m willing to wait.

If it has to be till my graduation, then so be it. The wait is nice too..

So long as I still have him in my heart. And he has me in his.

But even if it doesn’t work out, even if we’re not each other’s soumates..i’d still love him. And still pray and hope for the best for him.

He deserves it, you know. To be happy..saved..loved..

Call me stupid. I am. But by God, I believe in this. And I’m gonna fight for it. For us.

...

Am I going over reacting?

Maybe.

But cant I keep this? Just this? Cant I keep it all to myself..? please?

Please don’t wrench my hand open all over again, and brush my treasures away..

Please..

...

He shouted at me to use my head.

“Mas matalino ka pa nga kaysa kay daddy eh! Hindi ka ganito, Celine! Kilala kita! Matalino ka! Use your head! Fuck, wag mo sayangin sa kanya!”

Maybe I am smart. Smarter than the average 16-year old. Maybe even smarter than my own dad.

But I have to disagree with you when you said you knew me.

Because don’t you know..?

That for once..for ONCE!

I wanted to use my heart..and not my head.

...

...

We ended in tears.

And with an agreement. Based on “love is patient”.

It could have been worse.

He could have told on dad.

I thanked God he didn’t.

Kuyas may be harsh, but they only look out for you.

Now I have everyone in the household watching me closely, in case I do “anything stupid”..

Ha. Yeah right.

Y’know..you guys don’t have to worry.

I wont do anything “stupid”.

Why?

Coz how in the world will I get to finally be allowed to go out with him if I’m dead?

That’s right.

I’m hanging on for us.

...

...

Go ahead, Fate.

Lick my face, kiss me, ravage me all you want.

I don’t love you.

I love my friends.

I love my plushie.

And I can’t wait to show you. All of you.

“I’m so damn psyched to prove them wrong!”

haha..say it like it is, plushie.

God please..hug us on this one..

*smiles*

...

...

a note to my family:

I’ve been screaming in anguish for 8 years.

But now that I’ve been silenced by a kiss –

That’s when you put your fingers in your ears and tell me to shut the hell up.

2005-04-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

Apr. 5 Tues.
"..me too." –me

...

Who would have known that a phone promo could buy me a ticket to heaven?

The voice, the laughter, even the shouts..

I could have given anything to keep those moments, y'know?

...

I wished the seconds wouldn’t stretch to minutes and to hours..there is no time in heaven, right?

I didn’t care if my ears were starting to ache, or my back was creaking for sitting on that confounded iron chair the whole day..

I was happy.

Truly happy..just listening to that voice.

...

Ang babaw ko talaga. Pero ‘tangna, totoo ‘to. Ang sarap makinig, for once. Ang sarap din dumakdak, at marining ang kakaibang tawa na ‘yun pagtapos.

In that little corner of the room, I had the world in my grasp. And I hardly cared about any other thing except the one on the other end of the network of twisted wires.

Nica was right.

...

me: “kanta ka naman, o..kanina pa ko nagsasalita dito..”
him: “no way!”
me: “ang arte mo naman! I wont kill you, y’know.”
him: “yeah but..nahihiya ako sayo eh..”
me: *laughs* “ushu..ikaw? mahiya sa girl? That’s impossible.”
him: “ehh..natotorpe ako sayo..i don’t know why..”
me: “Ha! Oh well, I wont force you..but you owe me a song!”
him: “ANG DAYA!!”
me: “ano’ng madaya?! Patas lang yun!!”

him: “sabihin mo sa’king kung naruto na..”
me: *flicks on the TV* “o, naruto na! Opening song!”
him: *groans* “tinatamad ako i-on yung TV eh..i-kwento mo nalang sakin..please?”
me: O_o “ang batugan mo naman!”
him: “eh..i want to hear your voice din eh..”
me: *laughs* “Fayn! Sige, ayan..opening song..blah blah blah..”
him: “dapat kantahin mo!”
me: “gago! Di ko alam ‘tong song na to! Basta there’s this masked dude running around with shuriken..then this pink-haired girl, then naruto..then the pink-haired girl again..then the sasuke person..then the other ninja thingies..then naruto! Then..hey..are they gonna kiss?!”
him: *laughs* “nah..”
me: “good!”

me: “kanta ka na..”
him: “sasabayan ko na lang eto’ng si gackt..hahaha! sana di ako pumiyok!”
me: “di yan! Sige lang..”
him: *sings along to some Japanese song with extremely high fluctuating notes* “waaaahhh!!”
(pause)
me: *shakes head* “argh! Sa lahat ba naman ng kanta’ng ikakanta mo sa’kin, yun pa’ng di ko maintindihan ang lyrics!!”
him: *laughs*

(odd clicking noise)
me: “what’s that? You typing something?”
him: “ah..this?”
(more clicks)
him: “that’s me putting my finger on the receiver. Haha!”
me: “ah ganun ba..but why?”
him: *in odd broken tones* “wa-la la-ng, I- th-k i-s dr-mat-c”
me: “dramatic ba na di kita marinig?! Sira!” *laughs*
(silence)
him: “haha!”
me: *raises eyebrow* “Hey..what did you just say?”
him: “nothing..haha..”
me: “yes you did! Daya! Get your finger outta that receiver and tell me straight!”
him: *laughs* “wala naman eh..kumain ka na nga lang..gutom lang yan..”
me: “hmph!”

(as the conversation ensues..)
me: “ouch..”
him: “hey, what’s wrong? You hurt?”
me: “im..” *clutches my stomach* *blink* “that’s weird..”
him: “what is? Hey, you okay?”
me: “im.. hungry..that’s never happened before..”
him: “so nagugutom ka pag kausap mo ako? Aba! May silbi na pala ako sa mundo! Sige, kumain ka na!”
me: “its weird! I get hungry when I talk to you..”

...

sometimes, there would be long pauses and silences..

not awkward, though..peaceful. I liked it..so did he.

But in the silence, much could be heard. I know that now. And ahem. You should too.

It pays to listen. Listen close. *smiles*

...

Silence..like a rose blooming out from the tufts of sun-warmed snow..

Then a blink.

I reached out and frantically turned off the TV beside me..put my finger in my other ear, and closed my eyes..

Feather-soft and fragile..

“..all I wanna do...is grow old with you..”

You thought I didn’t hear you..

But I did.

And I smiled and whispered back:

“..me too..”

...

karma ng anorexic

2005-03-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

March 18 Fri.
“Kung kailan ako kumain, dun pa ako nalason! Poga’ng mundo ‘to, o!” –me

...

Monday afternoon:

Our class had our THE project/culminating activity in the kitchen, where we set up our themed tables and served our home-cooked food.

Our group’s was itallian, so we served pesto pasta. Good enough, coz we knew we were gonna pile our plates with the others’ dishes soon enough.

The others served cakes, pasta, rice, and one group – the Athletic Friends’ – served Filipino cuisine.

In fairness, masarap po ang merengue, palitao, sinigang, red egg, at pork adobo nila, so I pretty much took a bite of each dish. (wag na kayo umangal, anorexic nga ako eh! Minsan lang ako magutom!)

After the activity, we all went home to do our projects.

...

Monday night:

Everyone was online chatting about the projects and assignments to be passed the next day. I was typing the rest of my Filipino paper with Nica, when my stomach..well..twisted itself in tight, painful knots.

I remember biting down on my tongue, just to keep myself from screaming in pain (since my dad was right behind me), and my fingers froze over the keyboard.

The pain passed, but came back twice over. Again. And again. And again. Until it drove me to the brink of insanity. Really. Ganun ka-sakit.

I finally admitted that I couldn’t do my part in the project, and it broke my heart to have to leave it to Nica..but I knew I was going to faint, and I just couldn’t continue.. Nagalit ata siya..but really, I would never even dream of faking a sickness like this just to leave her with the work.

I staggered to my bed, and tried to sleep. I woke up at 3 in the morning, half-mad with agony, and my wrist was raw with bite marks (coz I didn’t want to shout out). I inched to the bathroom, and after a few minutes, my skin froze. I felt it grow cold and sweaty within two seconds. My vision was covered in spots, and my hearing slurred. I knew that feeling. I was gonna faint.

Of course, I didn’t want to faint with my pants down in a locked room, so I made my way out the door and back into my room. That’s when I realized..i was REALLY gonna faint. On the spot. So I did what I always do – analyze. Yes. Analyze. I analyzed how I was gonna faint, so that my head wont hit the corner of the bed, or my body wont twist in a funny way.. (ang drama ko talaga..) the last thing I remembered was that I held onto my bedpost.

And when I opened my eyes, I was staring at my curtain. Okay, so I did pass out. Twice. On the second time, I was sprawled on the bed, and I asked ate Wilma to wake dad up coz: “Nahihimatay na ‘ko..haha..” When dad saw me, he freaked. So did everybody else. I just laughed. Yeah, amidst that pain and hellish fever, I was laughing.

What can I say?

High temperature and increased pain levels kinda does that to me.

...

Tuesday morning:

I could hardly move. My wrist was almost bleeding. My palms were cut by my fingernails. Dad was panicky and persistent with the countless phonecalls, pacing, smoking, thermometer, damp towel, spoon, nagging, Gatorade..oh the Gatorade..

Para daw sa lost electrolytes ko, sabi ni tito edgar (my doc uncle). Poga..sa sobrang daming bote ng Gatorade na pinalagok sa’kin, pwede na ‘ko mag-endorse ng Gatorade! At ng biogesic..Imodium..alcohol..

My fever hit 39. Dad was scared I’d get convulsions or brain damage. I was just smiling. The wet towel felt like ice against my skin that froze me to the bone. I could almost hear my skin sizzling..

Dad stayed with me all day. I heard him make a phonecall about his enemy at work who might use his absence as a means to pin him.

Damn weak body of mine..

Gotta love my dad.

...

Tuesday night:

The main concerns were: lowering my furnace of a fever, making me eat and drink, and my exams.

The real obstacle was making me take in anything. I just couldn’t. I wanted to, mind you. Fuck, I don’t want to be sick! For once I don’t! I had a date the next week, dammit! And they all thought wala lang akong ganang kumain, eh pinipilit ko na nga eh! I had to fight down at least 4 involuntary throw-up urges (kasi sayang daw yung pagkain), and withstand countless nagging and ridicule.

I hated myself more and more.

...

Wednesday morning:

I was still in no state to go to school. I still lost gallons of fluids every three hours, and my fever still didn’t break. They drowned me in icewater and alcohol till my skin softened like cool plastic.

Dad still didn’t go to work, and I sure as hell loved him for that. He kept watching over me, and taking my temperature. The only thing I didn’t like much was him forcing me to eat and drink when I claimed I couldn’t anymore.

“Dad, di ko na kaya..”

“Pilitin mo! Kundi I-papa-dextrose kita! Ano?”

Hah. That made me laugh a bit. He still thought I was afraid of the dextrose. I used to abhor it when I was a kid, and threatening me with it was the only way he could make me eat. But now, I was 16 – and I loved needles and blood. But hey, I still fought. I fought against that damned fever and that friggin pain.

I had something else I was looking forward to. My inspiration.

“Kaya mo yan..i know God won’t let anything happen to my angel..”

It made me smile. And hang on.

I just wished that my mom was there with me..

...

Wednesday night:

I learned from Anne that a lot of us in the class were absent, and all for the same reason: the Filipino cuisine of the Athletic Friends group. I personally think it was the pork adobo..or the sinigang, I dunno. But I laughed at the grim thought. Kung kailan ba naman naganahan ako kumain ng marami, dun pa may lason yung pagkain!

I still had a pretty rowdy night, but I took comfort in the thought that someone was watching over me.

...

Thursday morning:

Dad had to go to work. Since he couldn’t take care of me at home, he sent me to my lola’s place. Okay, so I got up and walked around on my legs (which literally felt like rubberbands) and was driven by Kuya Ricky to Lola’s place. Haha. He took one look at me and:

“Aba..sumexi ka ah!”
“Gago!”

That actually made me laugh. Loko talaga yung kuya Ricky na yun. Once at Lola’s kuya bombarded me with pats and hugs and nags – as usual. But I had to admit, I missed him..a lot..

I stayed there the whole day, still weak and scared with the thought of being rushed to the hospital in my skimpy shorts. I forced myself to eat, and they pretty much forced me to take in every piece of medicine they could find. I was a kid again. Oh well..I just spent the day listening to the fluctuating sounds of nickelodeon channel outside, slipping in and out of sleep, and praying.

Yes. I was praying.

I really did think I was going to die. I found myself praying for..well..everybody. All my friends, family..even enemies. It seemed so easy recalling their names, past experiences, and what you want for them when you’re sick in bed..

I heard I almost did die.

I realized that I was actually ready.

...

Thursday night:

Tito Edgar dropped by with a nice black bag. He asked me about how I felt, and all that stuff. He made my excuse slip for school, and decided that I needed THAT.

What is THAT?

The one thing eveyone’s been trying to avoid the whole time. The one thing I’ve actually been looking forward to the whole time.

The dextrose.

I was laughing as I tried to keep a straight face. Hey, at least I wasn’t going to end up in a hospital (I have a phobia for hospitals..i don’t know why..). He took out this weird looking needle with flaps on it and was tying a rubber glove around my left forearm (believe me, it was hard to hide the scars from everybody..) And me, of course – being the wannabe cardio-surgeon like my uncle in the future – kept asking questions like a little kid.

“Tito, what’s that?”
“Ah..tawag jan..butterfly needle.”
“Haha, nice name. Is this gonna hurt?”
“Di naman..onti lang.”

Okay. I gotta say that people sure come up with nice misnomers for torture devices. It didn’t hurt a bit. It hurt a lot. But for a masochist, a two-inch needle being skewered into your vein kinda hits the spot. I admit, the sensation made me grin. And the blood? Made me drool.

One point, as kuya was looking away from the gore of it all, my phone lighted up. Kuya saw it, and raised an eyebrow at me. I guess he knew..and it was cool that he was trying to help me sort things out, and not snuff me like all the others.

“O..nalaman mo na ba ang katotohanan, Celine?”
“Erm..”
“Haay nako..alamin mo na! Ayoko’ng nakikita kang umaasa sa wala!”
“He’s not lying, kuya..naniniwala ako sa kanya.”
“Eh sa’kin, di ka naniniwala? Kuya mo ‘ko..”
“Naniniwala din. Pero wala naman ako’ng paki-elam sa itsura nya eh.”
“Eh pano kung nagsisinungaling pala sha?”
“Haha..ewan ko sa kanya..”
“Kaw talaga Celine, o..sumusobra nanaman yang puso mo eh.”
“lagi naman eh..”

I went home hooked up to a dextrose. I lied down on my dad’s lap in the car, and sometime that night, when his hand was around me, and his other hand on my forehead..

All else seemed to just fade away. Really. Even the dull vibration of my message-alert. I wouldn’t exchange that moment for anything.

...

Friday morning:

I woke up at dawn, and realized my dextrose was all out. Dad tried to replace it, but I guess my blood in the tube already coagulated while I was asleep, so I had to settle for that one bottle. I was stronger, but still too weak to go to school.

I spent the day at lola’s again, but this time I got to spend more time with kuya. He kept on whacking (playfully yet excruciatingly) my stomach, my head, my arms, and my legs. We kept on laughing about stuff..and damn, I missed having fun with him like that..

“Pa’no kayo na-food poisoning?!”
“Sa kinain siguro namin sa school..”
“Lam mo, dami na naf-food poisoning ngayon sa Pinas! Hmm..bakit kaya?”
“Baka may bio-weapon na sinusubok sa mga pilipino!”
“Oo nga!” *imitates GMA, with a finger in the air* “Nako, sa likod nito sigurado ay si Osama. AT sa likod nya naman ay si Allah.”
*laughter*
“Gago kuya, may mga muslim tayo’ng kapit-bahay!”
“ayputanginaoonganoh!”

He played around with our baby cousin Marie – who took a liking to me, haha – and it just amazes me how kuya can put up with her and still come up with his projects.

“Alam mo ba yang si marie? Orchestra namin yan!”
“Eh? Paano?”
“Pakinggan mo. Meron ka na’ng trumpet, trombone, piccolo, saxophone, at alarm clock all in one!”

But hey, he really loves that kid. And she really loves him too..he has the scars, bruises, and drool marks to prove it.

...

Friday Night:

I was feeling sort of empty. I woke up at dawn, and still nothing. The fever had gone down, the pain got a whole lot more bearable..but something was wrong. And not just with my body.

I remembered one of the countless dreams I had when I was still sick..it seemed so vivid, and symbolic. Scary, really. For me. I’ll just talk about it in the next entry I’ll make..

I thanked God I got to live through my ordeal (damn, no joke yun, ah!). It kinda brought the family together. In a way. It made us all pray a little harder, and it sure made me stronger. In more ways than one.

Shit talaga..parang ayoko na kumain ever!!

Icequeen out.

2005-03-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

March 12 Sat.
“May I visit you..?” –hush

...

I loved this video..

I loved it because the first part reflected my life before.

But I love it more now..

Coz the last part reflects my life now.

*smiles*

...

Video code provided by MusicVideoCodes.com

...

“We are all one-winged angels..and the only way we can fly is if we hold on to each other.”

Do you know?

That I’d gladly give up my solitary wing just to see you graze the heavens with two?

2005-03-03T02:52:00.000-08:00

March 3 Thurs.
“MISS! WAIT. LANG. PO!” –me

...

Today was a lot better than yesterday..actually, it was better than most of the days of my past life.

Its been hectic, like the last few days of the schoolyear triggers some kind of internal instinct in everybody to panic – or in the teachers’ case, to come up with crazy ideas for projects and homework and just dump them on the students by the truckloads.

Haha, but hey..kaya natin to!

Konti na lang, guys! Wag kayo magmadali..savor the moments..(lalo na kayo, fourth years..)

Lilipas din to..

*wink*

...

In CLE class, we talked about the holy sacrament of Matrimony. Oh boy. Needless to say, I was the only one not grinning and squealing and smiling. I was sinking into my chair, and retreating behind my dark curtain of ebony locks. Handy. Heh.

Well, we all knew about the cute and cuddly basics, but I was the one who gave the details about how the couple (stop drooling, hentais!) comes to the point where they get reasons to separate, and eventually get an annulment.

*sigh*

Experience is such a great teacher..

I just realized that annulment was actually worse than divorce..its like you denied the whole marriage..the entire thing..

Hn..

“Would that make me a bastard?” I thought.

Maybe.

But I swore..that for the off-chance that I do get married and have kids, I’ll never..

Ever..

Leave my kids.

Laman, dugo, kaluluwa ko yun.

And a bunch of shiny rocks and dirty paper – or anything, for that matter -will NEVER replace the memories and moments I’ll get to share with them.

...

There WAS this one part where we all had a laugh..Miss Grace was asking us to share about our ideal weddings, married lives, and kids. Everybody was chattering away with their thoughts set on church weddings, grand receptions, four or so kids, big houses with wide yards, and of course – a darling husband..

And I was too busy staring into space and laughing.

When do I want to get married? When im mature enough, and we should both have a stable job by then. It wouldn’t be fair for my husband to get stuck with a girl who isn’t ready for that kind of thing. How do I want to get married? Any way. Church is preferred by my family, of course, but I sure as hell wont spend a damn fortune on it..its already special the way it is, right? How many kids? *twitch*

Cai: “Ako..gusto ko grand church wedding tapos reception sa isang resort..honeymoon? Erm..kahit saan..” *grin*
Cara: “Ako, garden wedding..tapos reception naman sa hotel..tapos honeymoon sa Thailand, siguro.” *flips her hair*
Char: “Ay, gusto ko rin nyan! May sayawan, kainan..AT..ahem! haha, ikaw Celine?” *turns to me* “Anong dream wedding and honeymoon mo?”
Me: *leans back* “Sus..eh di sa simbahan! Kung pareho kami ng pag-iisip ng asawa ko, poga..” *grins* “Tatakasan naming ang reception! Hi-jack kami ng eroplano, punta kaming boracay. Lakad-lakad sa beach, tapos nood ng sunset..tapos punta sa hotel..”
Them: *raises their eyebrows* “Tapos..? tapos??”
Me: *laughs* “Kakain ng yellowcab pizza at iced tea habang nanonood ng TV! Inuman fest hanggang makatulog kami.”
Them: “Ayyyy...ayaw talaga ni Celine sa sex! Mashadong wholesome, eh!”
Me: O_O “Gago!”

And there was this point when Miss Grace was asking us about the common complications of marriage..ahem. Nabuking ata ako..

Teacher: “Okay..what are some of the common problems encountered in a marriage?”
Kriska: “Financial.”
Agot: “Personal..”
Caria: “Erm..miss, minsan nagsasawa lang talaga sila sa isa’t-isa..” *shrugs*
Nica: “Yes, miss..yung tipong nagf-fall out of love?”
Teacher: “Yes, I agree..i mean, inevitable naman na magka-dirian kayo sa flaws ng isa’t-isa, diba?”
Class: “Yeah..”
Bianca: “At alam nyo naman ang guys..they have a scrutinizing eye for flaws..”
Class: “Oo nga..”
Teacher: *laughs* “I mean, come on..there’s no such guy who won’t mind your flaws..wala nang lalake sa mundo na mamahalin ka for every single thing that makes you-“
Me: *raises a finger into the air* “MISS!”
Everybody: *turns to me*
Me: *blinks* “MISS WAIT! WAIT. LANG. PO!”
(pause)
Teacher: *gasps* “Oh my goodness, Celine! You’ve found such a man?!”

Hn.

I have indeed..

And don’t try to make me let go. Coz I sure as hell won’t.

Why?

Ha.

Coz I love him for every. single. thing. That makes him..him.

...

...

We had a retro boyband singing fest during dismissal, and we spent the better part of the afternoon racking our brains for those oldies songs, singing our lungs out, and laughing our heads off.

Do you remember these?

“FIVE!
Whatcha waitin FOUR?
If ya wanna
THREE, three
TWO, two
ONE,
Lets do it!”

“What good is a heart if you’re not gonna use it?
What good is a love if you’re too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then its for a reason, girl..
If you’re not even willing to start..
What good is a heart?”

“I need some love like I never needed love before..
Wanna make love to ya, baby..
I had a little love..now im back for more..
Wanna make love to ya, baby..
Set your spirit free..
It’s the only way to be..”

“Crazy little party girl!
How I love you!”

“I’ll never break your heart,
I’ll never make you cry..
I’d rather die than live without you-
I’d give you all of me, honey that’s no lie..”

“You treat me like a rose..
you give me room to grow..
you showed the light of love on me,
and gave me air so I can breathe..
you opened doors that close
in a world where anything goes..
You give me strenth so I stand tall,
Within this bed of earth just like a rose..”

“Coz you bring out the best in me,
like no one else can do..
That’s why im by your side..
That’s why I love you..”

“Quit playing games with my heart,
quit playing games with my heart, you’re gonna tear us apart..
I should have know from the start..
Oh baby, baby..
The love that we had was so strong,
Don’t leave me hanging here forever!
Oh baby, baby,
This is not a lie,
Let’s stop this tonight..”

“Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you,
like I never ever loved no one before you..
pretty pretty boy of mine..
just tell me you love me too,
tell me you love me too..”

“I wish you’d look at me that way-
your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine..
telling me more than any words could say –
but you don’t even know im alive..
Baby to you, all I am
Is the invisible man..”

“I knew I loved you before I met you..
I think I dreamed you into life..
I knew I loved you before I met you,
I have been waiting all my life..”

“I lie awake, I drive myself crazy,
drive myself crazy, thinking of you..
made a mistake when I let you go, baby,
I drive myself crazy wanting you the way that I do..”

And this..

Was the one that got me smiling till I crept into bed.

For you.

...

*As Long as You Love Me*
by: Backstreet Boys

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine..
I’m leaving my life in your hands..
People say I’m crazy and that I am blind –
Risking it all in a glance..
But how you got me blind is still a mystery –
I can’t get you outta my head..
Don’t care what is written in your history,
As long as you’re here with me.

I don’t care who you are..
Where you’re from,
Don’t care what you did –
As long as you love me..
Who you are,
Where you’re from,
Don’t care what you did –
As long as you love me..

Every little thing that you have said and done
Feels like its deep within me (oh, oh oh)
Doesn’t really matter if you’re on the run –
It seems like we’re meant to be..

I’ve tried to hide it so that no one knows,
But I guess it shows –
When you look into my eyes..
What you did and where you’re comin’ from,
I DON’T CARE..
As long as you love me, baby..

As long as you love me..

...

*smiles*

2005-03-02T02:16:00.000-08:00

March 2 Wed.
“I believe in you..
I’ll give up everything just to find you;
I have to be with you-
To live, to breathe,
You’re taking over me..
...
Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand,
I knew you loved me then..” –Taking Over Me

...

My friends were cold and quiet towards me.

Nica didn’t talk to me for some time.

Anne looked like she was on the verge of tears.

The others just looked quite disgusted.

Everybody else looked on with pity.

Damn.

I really..really hated myself for being like this..

For being so damn weak..

And pathetic.

But how could I make them see?

Make them feel?

They weren’t there..

They didn’t hear the endless murmurings in my ear..

Feel the nudge and push of delirium..

See the alluring smirk of guilt-driven masochism..

For a moment or two, my only reason for living was the warmth of Inna’s hand stroking my back and wounded fist, as I collapsed onto the wooden table.

...

...

I begged God to take me home.

Clung to Him as the broken-winged bird He gave me hobbled out of my hand; and my soft cries drowning in the distant gurgling of the shore against the ever-yielding sand.

I felt numb.

Like my old self again.

Nothing new, really.

This time..i just didn’t want to get up again..

Or move..

...

But interestingly enough, as the day crept into the late night, a flicker of something burned inside me. A reality. A fact. I acknowledged it aloud..

“I believe him.

I believe in him.

I hope he’s happy.

He deserves to be.

I..

I love him.

Mahal ko siya..

Kung sino man siya.”

I shook my head at my own hard-headedness. It was the most pathetic and stupid thing, they said. But I didn’t care. I had a heart. I had love. And it overcame the odds and doubts and fears. I would stand by what I believed in..

I didn’t know why I was doing it..

But for the off-chance that he WAS telling the truth, then by God, I would fight till the bitter end just for him to be happy. He deserved it. I knew it in my gut.

Don’t ask me why.

I don’t know either.

...

...

I drowned myself in PE swimming class. Jumped off the edge of the pool, and grazed the bottom tiles in a flurry of bubbles and swirling water.

My veins were on fire, and my head buzzing with lack of air. But I didn’t care. It took my mind off the confusion and pain in my heart and still-aching hand.

To pass the spare time, Ms.Fe treated us with play time “experimenting” with these fun noodle-floating thingies..long bendable cylinders of colorful Styrofoam for our amusement. Cai and Denise rode them to kingdom come. Sounds wrong? Heck. IT IS. They even had a race.

The others just bunched them together and made floating mats. Some twisted them around their bodies, and the rest just swam around, whacking them on one another.

It was fun watching them.

I knew I had to do something..to get away..this was my chance. Kahit iilang minuto lang..

I put one under my shoulderblades, and another under my knees. I just tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and floated. I could feel the blazing sun frying my skin two shades darker, and hear the others shouting and laughing and splashing water around. I think I smiled then..

A wishing feather floated lazily and landed on the water near my hand..i picked it up with my finger and wished.

“I wish..”

I never wish for myself..i always end up wishing for other people. So now I wanted to make that single wish count for ME. I did deserve it, didn’t I? I wanted to be happy. Happy. I wanted to go home. Home..where I would be happy forever. Now how would I make that into a wish..?

“I wish..”

Tears welled up in my eyes.

“I wish..that he will be happy. Truly happy. Whoever he is..”

I drew in a breath and blew the wish away. A silent whisper to the forces unseen. A prayer. A confession. A final admonition..

I watched it float away. Higher and higher..farther and farther away from me. I watched till the world blurred over in salted waters.

Then..it came back.

A faint warm wind blew the wish back and I blinked as the feather landed right beneath my eye.

I smiled.

“Ang kulit..”

And with that, I fell asleep to the blurred sight of softly broken waters and hazy dreams.

...

...

I saw right through you.

Why?

Coz hey, if I was in your place, I would do the exact same thing.

Damn..it sure pays to have a superior IQ once in a while.

And y’know what?

My wish came true..

...

2005-03-01T05:13:00.000-08:00

March 1 Tues.
“What’s there to forgive?
They didn’t do anything wrong, did they..?
Hindi naman masamang saktan si Celine Estrada eh..” –the one in the mirror

...

A journal entry I found..

Let it speak for me now..when I truly have no words.

...

March 1 2005
Time: ...
Location: ...

He left me today. He said it was to save me from his mom’s assasins. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel used, deprived, hopeless, relieved, and forlorn all at once. I punched the mirror – the left small one on my dresser. I broke it on the second punch. It shattered all over the floor, and all over my knuckles. I bled. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and spread my arms, like the Crucified Christ. I cried. I let 16 years pour out of me in blood, sobs, and tears. Even laughter. At 6:00pm on my watch, I got up and cleaned up. I covered my mirror with a cloth. From now onwards, I will not love too much ever again. Damn me if I do. I will get a radical haircut within the week to symbolize my taking off. God bless him – or whoever he is. I just want him to be happy. An me? I just want to go home.. God please.. take me home..

-end- 6:10pm

...

2005-02-28T05:10:00.000-08:00

Feb. 28 Mon.
“Mga mata’y kanyang minulat sa pagdadalamhati..
...
Hinahanap sa kung saan-
Pakpak na hindi mahagilap..
Ninanais ko lang naman na maging ganap..” –KLSP

...

Want a taste of Hell?

You don’t have to be Constantine to get a glimpse..

“Celine..There’s a problem..he’s not who he says he is..”

“Yan..? Kilala ko yang guy na yan sa picture..and that’s not his name..”

“Celine naman..sabi ko na sayo dati, diba? Kilala ko yang guy sa pic, at di nya pangalan yun! Kuya mo ko, di mo ko pinaniwalaan..”

“No offense twinstar..pero dati pa namin inakalang nagsisinungaling siya.”

“Everything about me is a lie. There. Happy now?”

“Abusado ka na, ah! Puta..panay chat at telepono at computer kasi ang inaatupag mo eh! Sa tingin mo kaya mo gawin kahit ano gusto mo?!”

“Alam mo problema mo Cel? Sobrang bilis mo maniwala..”

“Ang kulit kasi ng puso mo eh..masyado magmahal!”

“Ikaw kasi Celine eh..umasa ka pa..”

“Just go, okay?”

“Don’t be stupid, Cel..hindi pa nga kayo nagkikita, naniwala ka na agad sa lahat ng sinabi nya!”

“Ano’ng gusto mo gawin ko?! Ha?!”

“Sabi ko na nga ba eh..imposible kasi na may sobrang perfect na guy ang mapadpad kay Celine Estrada..”

“I want you out of my life..”

...

...

Maybe..

Maybe I just wanted to be happy.

For once..

But I guess I was stupid to hope.

Hope that I would finally get what I always wanted..what I needed..

I couldn’t tell the truth from the untruth..love clouds my mind and heart..

So many emotions brewing inside me, as I melted away with the soft glow of follow-up text messages..

Maybe..

I wasn’t meant to be happy.

No matter what I do.

I’ll always just fall down flat on my face.

I didn’t belong here..

And I wanted to go home..

...

My hell?

“If it’s not a lie, then it’s a dream.
If it’s not a dream..then it’s a lie..”

Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here..

2005-02-25T02:44:00.000-08:00

Feb. 25 Fri.
“I wish you were here with me..” -me

...

I spent the afternoon getting practically plushed all over by these people in the salon. My nails, my feet, my face, my hair..

I ended up looking like a cat.

Make-up artist: *looks at me in the mirror* “Hmm..may konting Chinese blood ka, noh?”
Me: “Uh..yes..”
Make-up artist: *grins* “Papalabasin natin ang pagka-chinita mo, iha.”
Kuya&Me: O_o

Me: *stares open-mouthed at the mirror* “K-kuya..”
Kuya: *eyes widen* “Holy shit Celine..you..you look like..”
(pause)
Kuya: *gasp* “You look like a sexy, slightly Chinese version of Akasha with a hint of puppy-love!”
Everyone in the salon: O_o “Huh??”

Pedicurist: *giving me a foot spa* “Grabe naman paa mo iha..ang haba..”
Kuya: “Eh kasi po ang tangkad nya..ang hirap nga po maghanap ng sapatos para sa kanya eh!”
Them: *laughs*
Me: *grumbles* “If I wasn’t a girl, I’d take that as a major compliment.”

Hair stylist: *does weird stuff to my hair*
Me: *gasp* “Kuya..what’s he doing to my hair?!?!”
Kuya: “He’s uh..teasing it.”
Hair stylist: “Para umalsa buhok mo..its so limp!”
Me: *lip quivers* “I have a feeling I’m never gonna be able to brush my hair again..”

With the movie Dyesebel playing on the TV set in the salon, I got out of there feeling like a kitten who just hopped out of a black-and-white movie.

...

...

I got there with Glenn, who was a perfect gentleman as usual..all the girls’ heads turned at him, and all the guys’ turned at me..>_<

“Pare, sino yun..?”

Damn.

Sorry, I so did not expect that.

Natibo mga kabarkada ko sa itsura ko, and some of the guys, teachers, parents, and sisters were gawking at us. It was fun, really..trying to act like a girl, but failing miserably..i could hardly care.

And excuse me...every girl there shone like a star. As in. I was so happy to see them..so..dolled up in their most beautiful..breathtaking.

Glenn thought my gown was gonna be peach..(damn, I wish!) and bought me an orange corsage, and wore an orange tie (with panda bear prints!! So cute!), much to my amusement. His buttoniere kept breaking off, and I had to pin it on his coat again and again and again..even had to make him unbutton his coat to pin it on properly..much to the entertainment of the girls. *ahem.*

We took it to the dancefloor, and had to drag Glenn to dance..

Me: *tugs Glenn* “Let’s dance!”
Glenn: *eyes widen* *stiffens* “Ayaw!!”
Me: *grin* “Sige na..its just waltz..”
Glenn: *shakes head vigorously* “Ayaw! Ayaw!!”
Us: *blink* *laughs* “Para ka’ng bata!!”

I had to teach Glenn how to dance..and I didn’t even know how!

Glenn: *looks at me* “Erm..pa’no sumayaw..?”
Me: *blink* “Er..di ko rin alam eh..” *looks up at him* *grins* “Kapain na lang natin!”
Glenn: *laughs* “O sige..”
Us: “One..two, two.. Two..two three..ouch!! Sorry!”
People around us: “Aray..nakupo..twin towers!!”
Us: *laughs*
Me: “Teka nga..parang masahado ata malalaki strides natin in this tight crowd..dun kaya tayo sa likod?”
Glenn: *smiles at me* “Sure ba..”
Us: *makes our way to the back, in front of the teachers, parents, and sisters*
Me: “ayan..now where were we?”
Glenn: *takes my hand* *looks down at our feet* “Okay..one..two..”
Us: *looks down at our feet, tryin to dance and not step on each other* “We’re doing it!!!” *laughs*
(light flashes somewhere beside us)
Me: *blink* “What was that..?” *looks around* *sees Sr. Carla with a camera facing us* O_O “OH DEAR GOD..”
Glenn: “Bakit..? What’s wrong..?”
Me: “W-we’re gonna end up in the papers..” *twitching fit*
Teachers, parents, nuns: *giggles at us*
Me: *turns to Glenn* “Let’s..get outta here..?”
Glenn: *takes my hand* “Let’s go!”
Us: *scampers, laughing*

...

The food was okay, and the video presentation was just hilarious. We kept laughing at the part where maika was tugging the leaves of the tree near the MPBuilding, and laughing at the camera, chasing Trixia around with the leaves. We doubled over at Nica’s picture when she was way younger..hgghhhh...there are no words. *manic laughter*

There were times when we really got rowdy, and I acted more of a guy than our escorts. It was really funny, but quite peculiar and damn unfit since I was wearing one of the most elegant (and not to mention tight!) gowns in the place.

Andy: *tugs her date* “Uyy..sayaw naman tayo..”
Andy’s date: *smiles sheepishly* “Uh..no thanks..di ako marunong..”
Me: *raises eyebrow at him* “Dude..isa lang ang rule dito sa barkada: Pag hindi ka sumayaw, SASAYAWAN ka namin!”
Him: O_O
Us: *laughs*

Anne: *grabs me* “Cel! Tingnan mo si Aleli! Shit, ang ganda nya tonight!! Natitibo ako!!”
Me: *eyes widen* “Holy shit!” *gawks at Aleli*
Aleli: *blushes furiously* “Poga Estrada!” *pokes her date* “Er..eto nga pala si Celine at Anne..”
Me: *turns to Aleli’s date* “Grabe..ang ganda ng date mo! Jackpot!” *grin* “Paka-ingatan mo siya, ha! Kundi..”
Guys at the table: O_O

Inna’s date: *hi-fives the guys* “Pare, apir naman jan o!”
Guys: *hi-fives back*
Inna’s date: *hugs the guys* “O, pare hug naman!” *grabs Glenn and hugs him*
Glenn: O_O *stiffens*
Girls: *twitches* “Yaaakk!!! Bumibigay!!”
Me: *growls* *hikes up skirt* “Poga..Bitawan mo nga date ko!” *points a finger at his collar bone, looking down at him* “Pare, kita mo ‘tong takong ko? Ha??” *brandishes my silver heel*
Inna’s date: *blink* “Uh..yeah?”
Me: “Baka gusto mo ‘tong takong ko ang huli mo’ng makita sa mundo’ng ibabaw na ‘to!”
Inna’s date: *eyes widen* *backs away* “Hindi po! Ititigil na po! Magpapaka-lalake na po!!”
Them: *laughs their heads off*

Giselle: *takes a spoonful of salad from the buffet table* “Wow salad!”
Giselle’s date: *takes a spoonful* *looks up at me* “Uh..I guess you’d want some?”
Me: “You guess wrong. I hate salad!”
Giselle’s date: *raises eyebrow* *looks me up and down* “You? Eh ang supermodel nga ng itsura mo, I thought you were a vegetarian!”
Me: *makes a face* “Hell no! I believe in the power of the meat!” *laughs*
Them: *laughs with me*
Giselles’ date: *still eyeing me* “Uuy..ang model ng katawan..pag ikaw naging model, alalahanin mo ako, ha?” *grins*
Giselle: *slowly bows her head*
Me: *looks at him straight in the eye, my eyebrow raised* *ever so slowly puts my arm around Giselle’s waist and pulls her close* “Pare..kung ayaw mo sa date mo..AKIN NA LANG SIYA.” *cocks head*
Giselle: *cowers* *covers her face*
Giselle’s date: *eyes widen* “Uh..wag naman..wala namang ganyanan..”

...

Near the end of the night, I was feeling well..quite normal. Like it wasn’t such a big deal that everyone was wearing flashy intricate gowns (and so was I..), looking their best, and trying so damn hard not to blush with their escorts. It felt just like any other party.

But damn.

Deep inside, I had a nagging gut feeling something was missing.

Something was supposed to be there..

There in the seat beside me.

SomeONE...

else.

...

I don’t mean to offend. I kinda took a liking to Glenn, aside from the fact that he treats me like I don’t exist after the affairs. Im happy for him and his oh-so-sweet girlfriend (but Maika sure as hell aint!), and I commend him for being the ultimate epitome of a gentleman.

But honestly..

I wanted someone else to be there with me..

To share this starlit night with me. Kahit isang beses lang. Dun lang. Sana.

I smiled like an idiot just thinking about how the night would be if he was the one with me.

The one to go the the house, wait (in pure agony) in the living room with my dad and brother (say your prayers..) as I dress up in my room..

see him smile (and hopefully blush) when I walk out of my room..

see him shake my dad and kuya’s hand, watch him nod and twitch with my dad’s last instructions..

control myself from hugging him as we walk out into the night and in his car..

wave at my dad and bro, and sit in the passenger’s seat..

fasten my belt and nag him to do so too, as we zoom off to school..

turn down the radio and just enjoy the silence (that is if I don’t talk and chatter my head off)..

make our way to the entrance, registry, teacher introductions..

fasten his buttoneire as he puts on my corsage..

hook my arm around his as we make our way to table 26..

hold his hand under the table and wait till my friends arrive, blushing like crazy as they see him and cry with joy for me..

walk around and introduce him to my close friends (and anyone else who asks, for that matter), and lead him away from devouring stares..

sit beside him on that vintage car as we take our prompic together, blushing at the photographer’s “Okay closer..closer..closer pa! Perfect! Oh what a nice couple..”, and laugh my head off as we pose in the barkada pics..

stare up a the starlit sky and point out our favorite constellations, smiling in the cool night air..

dragging him to the dancefloor and teaching him how to dance (unless he knows how to dance already, then by all means teach meh!)..

relish the feel of my hand in his, and the other resting over his heart as we dance to the slow songs..

cover my face as I show him how the barkada dirty dances..

pull him to the center of the barkada dance circle, and dance with him (probably twirl him, haha)..

lead him to the back of the crowd where we could dance away from the others (and hopefully get our pictures taken, haha!)..

just enjoy the silence and presence of each other (especially in the really senti songs)..

line up for the buffet with him, challenging his appetite with my feeble one..watch him pile up his food, and eat (I swear, ang sarap panoorin ang malakas kumain..)..

thumb-wrestle (with my trusty thumbs!) with him for the dessert..

lightly whack him when he pulls some of his antics (then grin right after)..

urgently pat his shoulder, pretending im about to say something important, and whispering to him “I love you.”, and lean back to watch him blush..

laugh along with him as I point out my barkada in the video presentation..

point out the barkada black and white pictures in the mosaic, and make him look for my face..

watch in mild interest as they announce the awardees for the night (and probably sink into our chairs when our names get called – of course, care of my berks)..

sigh sadly as the night ends, hugging him one last time..

say goodbye to my berks as we make our way hand-in-hand to his car..

step inside and drive back to my house..

pecks him on the cheek and gives him one last smile as my dad and bro come out to let me in, and shake his hand..

smile as he drives off..then fade into the remainder of the night, and into eternity..

...

But hey..the fact that he called was good enough.

I waltzed under the open starlit night sky, infront of the chapel with my eyes closed..

Heaven, pare.

Really.

And although I didn’t really get what I wanted, I was happy..

We all had a great time, looking our most beautiful, with our ahehehems with us..

And I got to dance with my plushie.

I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Well, maybe pictures from his field trip. :p

...

2005-02-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

Feb. 20 Sun.
“And in this next line,
I’ll say it all over again:
That I love you..i love you..
...
I don’t care what they say,
I don’t care what they do..
Cause tonight, I’ll leave my fears behind,
Cause tonight, I’ll be right at your side..
...
Lie down right next to me,
Lie down right next to me-
And I will never let go..
Never let go..
...
But still I see the tears from your eyes..
Maybe im just not the one for you..” –Broken Sonnet

...

“Baka naman nabigla ka lang..”

...

Aray ko po.

Masakit ata tama nun.

Napatigil ako dun ah..

Siguro nga.

Siguro nga nabigla lang ako..

But love is a gamble, and im taking this risk.

Bakit ba?

Hindi naman boses ko yung nanginginig ah..

Yung sa kanya.

Alam ko’ng natataranta sha..naiiyak..

Baka naman..

Pareho lang kaming nabigla lang.

...

...

“What’s wrong ba..?”
“Nothing..just go..”
“Go for NOW.”
“No..go for good..”
“What..? Why would I want to do that??”
“Tama sila, okay? Gago nga ako. Gagaguhin lang kita sa huli..kaya iwan mo na ako ngayon pa lang..”

“I believe you..I trust you.”
“..don’t..”
“I don’t see a reason not to.”
“Oh come on..a guy who never shows up? That’s more than enough for a reason!”
“..I’m not like them, okay? I fell in love with your heart, not your looks or money or reputation..”
“.............”
“I wont tug you..or push you..if you don’t feel comfortable about something, I wont force you. I’ll just stay here beside you..but I just want you to know that..”
“..that what..?”
“..you don’t have to hide from me.”

“Takot ka ba na sasaktan mo ako?”
“Oo..”
“Takot ka ba na iiwan kita..?”
“..oo..”
“Well, hwag ka matakot..”
“Bakit?”
“Kasi kahit saktan ako, hindi ako nang-iiwan..”

...

...

Hindi sila nakakaintindi..

Kasi hindi nila nakikita ang nakikita ko.

“I see you..”
“I..I know..I let you see me..”
“..you’re beautiful..”
“...........”
“..what?”
“..nobody’s ever told me that before. You’ve never even seen me in person, but..you see me more than they ever did..”
“..well..they must be blind.”

Pinili nyo’ng makita ang mga masasamang bahagi nya..

Pinili ko’ng makita ang mga magagandang bahagi nya.

And that made all the difference.

...

2005-02-19T01:11:00.000-08:00

Feb. 19 Sat.
“..please don’t let go of me..
its only with you that I feel safe..” -...

...

My ultimate 100% hatred is a force to be reckoned with.

And his whole family just earned it.

...

...

“What did they do to you..?”
“Nothing..nothing..basta don’t worry about me..”
“..tell me.”
“Wala nga eh..”
“Ano’ng wala?! Pota, saan ka ba nakatira?! Papatayin ko sila, seryoso!”
“Wala nga nangyari!”
“...”

...

“Mahal kita..”
“Mahal din kita..God, kung alam mo lang kung gaano kita kamahal..”
“Ayoko’ng sinasaktan ka nila..”
“Pero..di ako papayag na bitawan ka..”
“If it comes down to that, I’d rather you give me up than die because of me.”
“I can’t do that..”
“Please...”
“..never.”
“...”

...

Shit talaga.

Shit.

Pag ako hindi nakapagtimpi, mark me.

Mark me, im gonna kill you.

I will feel your hearts pound in my fisted talons, before I slowly crush the life out of them.

Yes, kill you.

In ways you cannot even start to imagine..

All of you.

And I’ll start with you, oh mother dearest.

And I’ll have you know..

Regardless of your sick, twisted tactics..

Your son loves you.. probably more than I love my own mother.

And that’s the only thing keeping Other just below the surface.

2005-02-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

Feb. 15 Tues.
“Your love is like a river,
Peaceful and deep..
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep..
When I look into your eyes,
I know that it’s true..
God must have spent
A little more time on you..” –God Must’ve Spent A Little More Time on You

...

Valentine’s day didn’t mean a thing to me before.

Now it did.

...

Such feeble gifts..

“Ano’ng cheap? Malaking bagay na yun!”
“Eh pictures lang yan eh..”
“Yeah..but they’re pictures of you..”

Just as everything tastes better with ketchup..

Everything is made great and beautiful with love.

...

...

I’ve been called a myriad of things in my life..

Insults and praises..

“I don’t believe in angels anymore, but now I do..”

But one..i was never called before. Ever.

“God, you’re beautiful..”

...

...

Poga..

I could have died right then and there.

“..and I am flawed..
but I am cleaning up so well;
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself..”

...

And you know what?

He was beautiful too..

And I didn’t even have to look at his pictures to see that.

...

...

shempre..

blush naman sha to da max.

at ako?

Nangamatis po.

2005-02-11T06:03:00.000-08:00

Feb. 11 Fri.
“Nobody knows just why we’re here..
Could it be Fate or random circumstance?
At the right place,
At the right time..
Two roads intertwine..” –You’ll Be Safe Here

...

Its amazing waking up and not having to groan and pull the covers over your head, in mild frustration that you’re still alive in this fucked up twisted world..

Coz its not a fucked up twisted world anymore..

It seemed brighter..

And mildly sweeter..

And your pillows seems a lot softer and fluffier.

...

I cant imagine..

Its quite hard to think..

That a few weeks ago, I was practically dead – and I always cried myself to sleep after a heartbreaking day and a soul-wrenching slashing/drinking/smoking resistance ritual.

Its hard to remember how my frown looked like..coz I was always smiling now..

My hair was always neat..

And everybody noticed. And they loved it..

...

I was happy.

Truly happy.

And I didn’t have to smile or laugh or dance just to show it.

I was holding my lunchtray on my way to the barkada cafeteria table, when I suddenly stopped in front of them all. They looked up at me, and I just stared blankly, blinking twice.

“O, Cel..you seem..different..”
“Guys..im..”
“..what?”

“I’m happy..truly happy..”

...

I could feel it brimming inside me. Warm and soft and overwhelming.

Napapapikit ako sa sarap.

It paid off..

It all paid off..

I just realized..

That if I hadn’t went through what I did, I wouldn’t have crossed this path.

For once..

Im thankful I went through that sick twisted seemingly God-forsaken existence I lead before..

Coz now im happy.

And I sure hope he is too.

...

...

I made a poem for EMANON, and after reading it over, I was quite stunned.

I..I actually couldn’t believe how exteremely sad I was before..that I was capable of such misery – enough to fuel my dark inspiration and come up with something so..well, SAD.

I hope I wont have to go back there again..

And I am trying..one day at a time..

*smiles*

...

*Goodbye*
by: cursedchild

Soft cold lips of faded gold
Dared breathe upon creased, sun-baked petals..
Silent trails of chaotic passions-
In streaks of crimson, and blue-black smudges.

Angry galaxies of dying red stars
Run across the narrow expanse of coffee-colored void..
Strands of salt-laced ebony –
Falling softly as tears of the sky;
Cascading, gently grazing,
The twin auburn sunsets across the blurred horizon.

As a solitary drop of liquid diamond
Cuts across the dimly-lit sky;
Flowers bloom and wilt in its fleeting wake..
As the Dawn’s moist lips press gently against parched, cracked earth..

“Goodbye..”

-comes her whisper, confession, final admonition –
Like a dying butterfly, fair and fragile,
Gently weaving through the warm fingers of the afternoon breeze..
Before drowning in the molten-gold gaze of gentle Twilight.

...

Thank you God..

Thank you, sis..

Thank you all my reasons..

And..

Thank you, Anne..for holding my heart right now.

Sorry kung madugo-dugo at medyo durog..

Pagpasensyahan..takot pa ako ipamigay nang lubusan eh..

Yaan mo.

Asakin din puso mo.

Eto o, nasa time capsule..

At di ko ilalabas ‘to, hanggat literal na madapa sa harapan nating dalawa ang Prince Charming mo.

*laughs*

2005-02-08T05:06:00.000-08:00

Feb. 8 Tues.
“..itakas mo ako sa Laoag..” –status

...

I really hate prom now.

Really.

I abhor it.

...

...

The moment I tried in vain to zip up the side zipper of my off-white, secondskin-like gown and looked at myself in the mirror..

Wow.

For once, I appreciated my own body.

When I walked out of the dressing room, wow. They apparently appreciated it too.

“My goodness, you are so..statuesque! Gusto mo ba sumali sa Binibining Pilipinas?”
“Er..thank you, Mr. Lim..but I must respectfully decline..its not allowed in our school..”
“Ay, aabangan kita pagkagraduate mo.”
“Ehe..”

Thanks a lot, dad..for snuffing out my solitary moment of self-appreciation. You just had to remind me just how much everything costs, how you think this is too unnecessary, my bad posture and demeanor, the fit of the gown, my shoes that will take forever to find..

Yeah.

Damn, I love the prom.

...

...

And this issue with my promdate..ohohoho.

It’s a truckload full of crap, if you ask me.

Damn.

One is too friggin shy to go alone. Yeah, I get why he is, but damn! POGA! Hindi ba nakakainsulto yun saakin? Na parang..hindi pa ako sapat para i-entertain sha sa gabing yun – na kailangan pa nya ng kakilalang isa pa para lang ma-satisfy sha?!

Yung isa naman – anak ng kaopisina ng dad ko, matino nga, masayang kasama, sobrang ‘perfect’ na daw according to my kaberks..yknow, yung tipong mayaman, maginoo, gentleman, gwapo daw, matalino, nakakatawa..pero damn! Naloko ako nung isang yun! Pagtapos ng pagkikita namin, ni hindi man lang ako sinabihan na may girlfriend na siya! And he acted as if he didn’t have one! Kinailangan pang ipamukha ng tatay ko sakin na “celine, may gf na yun ha. Pero di ka naman umasa, diba?” Right. Kinuha nga nya ym ID ko at email, pero hindi po niya ako inadd sa ym o friendster or inemail! Di nga nag-text pagtapos eh! Parang..wala lang. Di nya ako kilala.

Wala na nga akong pakielam sa height difference, diba? Sabay gaganyanin ako?!

Shit, man!

So first priority is drop the one who doesn’t want me.

Try to get the latter..pero diba, mahirap? Kasi may gf na nga’t lahat, tapos di pa ko pinapansin..

Tried. Failed. May affair na daw sha. So back to square one. I just have to plead with him to go with me even though his other friend isn’t there.

My dad was enraged. Para daw akong kawawa na trying-hard. I sucked at searching for promdates daw. Parang..kasalanan ko pa daw! So he’ll take it into his own hands..

Poga.

Pinilit nya yung anak ng kaopisina nya! Wow! Diba ang galing? Feeling ko pinilit lang yun ng nanay eh..tipong piningot yung tenga para lang umOO.. Well, umOO nga. Pumayag. Pero poga..i sure as hell hope hindi sapilitan! I think oo..pero sana hindi..kasi parang ganun din eh – walang kwenta. Ayaw pa rin talagang makasama ako.

Its now too late to get a new promdate..

And it sucks that im stuck with dates who don’t realy want to be with me..

It sucks that all my other friends and classmates ended up with their ‘dream guys’, and were already having the times of their lives just THINKING of how they’re gonna be in seventh heaven on the prom..

It sucks that everybody’s pressuring me to look and exude my best, and pushing me to the edge just to impose their dreams on me..

It sucks that I, the eternal icequeen, am so damn STUCK UP about this whole thing..i mean, hello?! Im the type who’s supposed to go with the flow, coz I don’t friggin give a damn about anything that involves girly crap and guys!

It sucks that the guy I really wanted to be with – and yes, he really wanted to be with me too..he’s 6’3 and damn fun to be with, polite and kwela, and damn is his heart beautiful.. – he has a FIELD TRIP on the day and night of the prom! The trip is for TRHEE DAYS! Which meant that he wont make it to the legacy either!

...

Damn it.

Damn the promdates.

If it was possible to go stag, id go stag.

If my berks didn’t practically kill themselves just to prepare for this prom, I wouldn’t go.

At all.

I would much rather hike up my skirt to my knees, ruffle my twirled hair down, break off my heels, and run after my friend to north Luzon.

...

...

He would gladly ditch his trip just to be my promdate..

Damn.

I knew he could do it.

I knew if I agreed, he really would.

But..i loved him. I knew that his grades would nosedive if he didn’t go to the trip. I loved him more than I loved my own ‘dream prom’ and how I would look like that night.

But..

He said he loved me more than his grades. He’d gladly ditch the trip for me. That he’d rather stick a knife at his president’s neck just for him to change the trip sched..

Damn..the temptation..

...

...

But I declined, smiling.

The mere fact that he was willing to do that for me, is more than enough to keep me smiling all prom night.

2005-02-01T04:29:00.000-08:00

Feb. 1 Tues.
“You’ll be safe here..
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears,
Weary heart..” –You’ll Be Safe Here

...

My barkada loves the situation im in now..

They’re happy for me.

Very happy.

For the first time daw, I’m neat and smiling, glowing and happy..truly happy.

But..

There’s always a ‘but’.

They don’t..completely approve of it..

Of him..

...

...

I knew that they were only showing their concern for me, trying to save my fragile heart from breaking all over again..

Giselle: “Ay nako guys! Protektahan nyo si Celine! Nangyari na yan sakin dati, nako..take good care of her!”

But it hurt that they were snuffing out my happiness with reality checks. Filling my heart and head with doubts and fears galore – as if I didn’t already have enough of them to last me a lifetime..

I just wanted to shut the fuck up and sleep – if he was just a dream, then I don’t mind dreaming my whole life away, thank you very much.

If he’ll play me, let him play me.

I’ll only get hurt if I want to.

...

...

But no matter what others think..

I trust him.

I love him..

I’ll find out on my own.

...

Right now, my heart’s weary with doubts and fears.

And everything’s making me feel like I have nobody to lean on..

I hate the feeling..

Call me Psyche.

...

2005-01-28T04:26:00.000-08:00

Jan. 28 Fri.
“Run fast if you can,
I’m gonna get you anywhere..
There’s nowhere to hide, baby;
Breathe in, breathe out,
Its almost over now..” –Run

...

It hurt to have to accept that he couldn’t be with me that time..

But it hurt more to know that he lied.

...

Beija: *slumps into chair* *looks up at me* “Cel..he’s sorry he lied.”
Me: *tilts head* “Who’s sorry for whawhat..?”
Beija: “There was no gig at malate..he was supposed to drive over here with a dozen roses and surprise you..”
(nerve-frying pause)
Me: *frantically looks up at ate Sop* “Ate!! Tell me that I’m dreaming, this is a joke, right? Right?!”
Ate Sop: *places her hand on my head* “No, Cel..its true. He couldn’t make it coz he was caught by his dad..”
Me: *sinks into chair* “Take me home!!”

...

The intention was good..

But the child in me hates being lied to.

Sorry..

...

...

But that night was really interesting..

Small world..

And it revolves around the purple-blooded.

Joseph: “C’mon, bea, tell me na who he’s in love with!”
Beija: *looks at me* “Well, Cel..should I tell him?”
Me: *shrugs*
Beija: “Nope. Cant tell you that..”
Joseph: *pins Beija against wall* “Sige na..lalake, babae?”
Me: “Balake.”
Them: O_o
Joseph: *looks back at Beija* “Anong ugali nya..?”
Beija: “Erm..”
Joseph: “Sige na, tell me! Or I’ll grope your fats!”
Us: O_o “ATE SOOOPPP!! SI JOSEPH O!”
Ate Sop: *narrows eyes* “Hoy! Ikaw, bitawan mo si Beija!”
(laughter fit)
Beija: “Look, Joseph..mabait sha! As in sobra..grabe magmahal! Matalino!”
Joseph: “Hmm..i see..well, may itsura ba?”
Me: “No. Pangit sha.”
Beija: “Hindi kaya..”
(silence)
Joseph: “Sige na, sino ba talaga sha??” *holds Beija*
Me: *ihale* “ATE SOOOPP, O!!”

...

...

Maybe next time..

2005-01-26T18:35:00.000-08:00

Jan. 26 Thurs.
“If its too good to be true..
Then it must not be true.” –Kuya Anton’s Philosophy

...

Seemed like Fate and False Hope haven’t left the picture at all..

“..I have to tell you something..and I know you’ll hate me for this..”

“I wont hate you..i’ll try to understand..now go ahead..tell me..”

...

...

...

I actually felt and heard my nerves frazzle.

Literally.

...

But you know what?

I didn’t hate him at all..

In fact, I loved him even more for being honest with me.

“Sinabi ko na sayo nang maaga, para may chance ka pa na iwanan ako..”

“Gago. Sa tingin mo hindi na kita mamahalin dahil dun?”

“..er..siyempre..”

“..wala akong paki-elam sa nakaraan mo..basta hwag mo na uulitin..”

“...”

“o, something wrong..?”

“..b-bakit..?”

*sigh*
“Kulit ah. Kasi..GANUN AKO MAGMAHAL. I want you to be the best person you can be..”

“I’m trying..”

*smiles*
“Then there’s no reason to love you any less.”

I have a heart.

I will use it.

I will love.

God set me on this path, and I do have my doubts if I really have the strength to help this wounded soul to get back up and lead him back to God..

But the world be damned, I’m gonna TRY.

I will face the problems and setbacks one by one, with all I’ve got.

I know everybody will think me stupid for this..

But I don’t care.

...

...

You can call me Kaoru.

2005-01-21T03:50:00.000-08:00

Jan. 21 Fri.
“SASAPAKIN KO TALAGA YUN!!!” –Beija

...

I woke up..

Took a bath, got dressed, ate breakfast and went to school.

The sun was warm and kind as it glimmered through the leaves and warmed my skin..

“Nakalimutan na niya ako by now..

pero masaya ako para sa kanya..

sana lang masaya din siya..”

But it didn’t hurt at all..

The tears wouldn’t come, and the knots remained loose..

The ashes were silent and burning no more.

...

...

The only reason why I was able to share the gospel reflection for the whole High School nicely and wholeheartedly was because I really did think I was still dreaming.

Dreaming..

The words last night were just a dream..

And I was dreaming.

“As a final statement to end our reflection, I would just like to say something from the heart..

As I learned from personal experience..

Running away from God is not the answer...because God IS the answer.”

The cheers were almost real..

The day was surreally nice..warm and crisp at the same time.

I couldn’t help thinking..

Someone out there was going to be happy..

At last..at long last.

...

...

By clubtime, Reality sunk in.

It didn’t hurt..

It ACHED.

I went home a wreck.

But I didn’t complain..i didn’t whine..i accepted the shit that was my fate..

But then..

“..mahal pa rin kita..

hindi nawala..

hindi natangay ng araw..”

...

...

The universe unfolded itself..

And I found myself slightly teetering..

If this was a dream, then it was a good dream..

And I never wanted to wake up.

Because now I believe that I am at last, at long last..

provided by VideoCodes4U.com

Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated

*smiles*

...

2005-01-20T03:46:00.000-08:00

Jan. 20 Thurs.
“..ikaw yun..” -...

...

It was happening all over again..

I could feel it.

Something was being kept from me, and I didn’t like it..

It hurt.

For the last time, it hurt.

But then I felt numb..

Like the flames had finally reduced me into ashes..

...

...

It was heaven and hell all at the same time again.

Again..

For the last time..

...

...

Heaven..

“Yung sinasabi kong isa ko pang mahal, ikaw yun..”

...

Hell..

“But when the sun rises in the morning, I would have to forget that I love you..

ive been hurt enough..

and I don’t want to hurt you either..”

...

And all I could do was nod.

And smile..

And joke..

I felt nothing..

I was only ashes.

...

2005-01-19T04:40:00.000-08:00

Jan. 19 Wed.
“Ready na ready ka na for swimming ah!” –my classmates

...

I’m stupid.

Epitome of stupidity.

Talaga!

I went to school lugging around my extra bag for PE swimming class, took off my shoes, accessories, tie, and put on my pink flip-flops (courtesy of Giselle..), and discovered...

I forgot to bring my swim suit.

“Sira ulo ka talaga, Celine! Ahahahhaha!”

...

...

And yet another survey..

You Know It's All About You (Over 100 Questions)
Created by niney123 and taken 7541 times on bzoink!
.:General Info:.
Name:	celine
Age:	16 [more like 40...]
Gender:	O_o er....androgynous. [there's no other word...]
Height:	5'9 [they dont call me GROWEE for nothing!]
Birthday:	october 4 [do the math]
Hair Color:	black [sometimes blue-black. dont ask me why, i dont know!]
Describe yourself in one word:	........kakaiba. [i quote anne, hahaha]
Describe your personality in one word:	.......di karaniwan. [redundant, ne?]
.:School Life:.
What grade are you in:	third year highschool [in the parallel universe, im in first year college.]
What school do you go to:	the big one right smack in the middle of the mountains... [bakit, totoo naman ah!]
And where is that:	points upwards
Do you get good grades:	not as good as i should have... [based on my IQ, im a friggin underachiever! long live the UAC!]
Favorite Subject:	biology. straight up. [..sharpens scalpel mwahahaha...]
.:Love Life:.
Sexual Preference:	BLINK uh....sraight up? [manic laughter]
Do you have a bf/gf:	lots. there's Rain, Death, Fate, Pain...Memnoch.. my 7 concubines... [and it goes on...laughs]
If so,what is their name:	grin marami yan....
How long have you been dating:	since....hmm...before i was born.. [two years before, to be exact wink]
Do you consider yourself in love with them:	......laughs softly
If so,why:	coz i have a heart and i use it.
Have you had your first kiss:	YES. [with Pain! i got burned to ashes..]
If so,when:	hm..when i was 8 years old....
Do you have a crush:	nope. i dont get crushes.
If so,what is their name:	wala nga eh, kulit...
Why do you like them:	fine. i have a crush on Pain and Death...and i like them coz they know how to friggin turn me on! [its called torture.]
Do they know you:	oh yeah.... i doubt they'll ever forget my name....[grin]
Do they know that you like them:	bats eyelashes i think their scars will remind them...
How long have you known them:	grits teeth kulit. two years before i was born.
.:Friends:.
Best Friend(s):	none. [i have a curse with the title of 'best friend'....they never last.]
How long have you been friends:	twitch not one lasted for more than a year
Do you consider yourself a good friend:	....ask them.
How many friends do you think you have:	erm...lots. [smiles]
Most popular:	hn. si....kuya enton! [popular to girls AND guys nationwide!!]
Most conceited:	ANDY!!! [tingnan nyo wallet at folder nya, filled with pics of herself!! vain! vain!!! haha, jowk.]
Friendliest:	all of em. [wink]
Meanest:	Maika. wahaha, jowk din
Prettiest:	shempre....lahat sila! [naks, chickgirl ba ito?]
Craziest:	the whole lot of em, demmet!
Oldest:	si kuya eentooon!
Youngest:	hmm..si Marie? [nine months, baby!]
Most recent:	Glenn [dont ask...]
Smartest:	all of em. [hidden geniuses, the whole lot of em...]
.:Favorites:.
Food:	pizza!
Person:	Jesus. [any objections?]
Number:	4 and 8 [put a dash across 4, and you got the chinese character for death...8's eternity..haha]
Show:	lots!!! anime, who's line, xmen, the simpsons, good eats, eyewitness....the works!
Letter:	hmm... T. [i got one carved on me..]
Song:	iris
Band/Singer:	evanescence..
Place in the world:	the place where the sky kisses the sea...
Season:	autumn.... [i love the rain..the cold...the burnt golden leaves..]
.:Your-:.
Dream Vacation:	in my bed, wrapped in blankets and pillows, hugging DUDE and sleeping forever.... [yes. sleeping. and not in the context you green minded wackos think!]
Dream House:	anywhere between heaven and earth..
Dream Room:	blink okay, thats getting weird... anyway, a room...with black challboard walls, and foggy glass floors..
Location:	in this box of a house...
.:Last Time You:.
Watched T.V.:	im watching now... [the One jet li!!! oh yeah, da best..]
Went to the bathroom:	kanina lang. poga 'tong pantog ko... [drank a can of cali straight up eh!]
Ate:	just ate.... [groans my stomach's full to bursting...im fat, alright?? stop stuffing me!!!]
Slept:	last night...
Listened to music:	im listening to music now... [you look at me, but you dont see..understand im a sinner!! headbang]
Used the phone:	i....cant remember.... laughs
IMed someone/Got an IM:	im chatting now. wink
Went to school:	kanina lang.. [rubs temples sabaw na utak ko..CEM ng geom, tapos test din sa geom pagtapos!!!]
Played a game:	im playing one now... [its called 'watch celine crash and burn'..]
Took a shower:	this morning haha
Hugged someone:	awww....just this dismissal smiles
Went on a date:	yesterday. [i danced under the sky..and my date Rain alongside me grin]
Wrote a letter:	ah, i dont remember.
Cried:	.....
.:Last Person You:.
Hugged:	ate maecy smiles
Kissed:	erm.....hides tongue collection ehe...
Laughed at:	myself
Cried over:	......myself.....
IMed/Got an IM from:	josh
Hurt:	............
Talked to:	dad
Spoke to on the phone:	beija
Ate with:	dad.. [winces my stomach's still in for it..]
Spent time with:	.........sigh
Saw:	ate wilma
Missed:	my seester. pout
Heard:	lara croft in this movie im watching...
Played with:	myself [sounds wrong? .....it is! laughs]
.:Have You Ever:.
Been out of the country:	nope. [unless you count the time my mom was pregnant with me, so ive been to thailand.]
Been out of state/province:	yep. zambo every year
Done drugs:	nope...i think....ehe.
Done anything illegal:	evil grin
Slapped someone:	blink yes. nearly knocked myself out with that one..
Cut yourself:	...hn. everytime i get my hands on something sharp.... [but the promise keeps them at epidermis..]
Played an instrument:	yep.
Hurt someone for no reason:	nope.
Hurt someone:	..........
Killed an insect/bug:	haha, feel the wrath of my high-heeled boots!!!
Gotten stung by a bee:	not a bee. a friggin HORNET. nagblack-and-white paningin ko sa lason nun!!
Lied to your parents:	ehe. yes...
Stole Something:	yep. i was in preschool...
Kissed Someone:	raises eyebrow
.:This Or That:.
Rock or Rap:	rock, man! [heabangs to kjwan]
Singing or Songwriting:	singing [i can write, but i suck at songs...]
Tennis Shoes or Sandals:	sandals. [not the stylish ones, mind you. the trekking ones..]
Phone or Computer:	computer [may voice conference naman, diba?]
Biking or Skating:	biking [although i did get a nasty acciddent coz of bikes...]
Analog or Digital:	digital [i want an ipod...la lang.]
Coke or Pepsi:	coke. [hit hit bugah? nyaha, jowk..]
Sprite or Sierra Mist:	sprite shempre....
MTV or VH1:	mtv! [im still waiting for Daria to get back on screen...]
R&B or Country:	R&B! [susmarya...country ba ito??]
Cingular or T-Mobile:	ay, di ko yan alam. igno!
Cats or Dogs:	dogs. [cats are too proud..]
AIM or Yahoo:	yahoo!!! [shempre, may ym..]
Bzoink or Quizilla:	both... grin
.:Word Association:.
Birthday:	obituaries
Peanut:	brain
Good Charlotte:	hope
Ravioli:	some demented itallian dude...
President Bush:	gay motherfbeepbeep
T.V.:	box
Rock:	roll
Rap:	bling bling
Chef:	iron chef hiroyuki sakai! manic laughter
Boys:	dorks
Girls:	dweebs
Calendar:	dates
Fan:	dresses..
Evil:	............yun. basta.
.:Right Now:
Eating:	my left wrist..
Drinking:	a tincture
Watching:	some shark friek on national geographic...
What is on your mousepad:	a very dirty mouse... whacks it
What are you doing:	typing. duh.
What song are you listening to:	the song in my head: [a cold surface, a little dangerous...a free fall in, a cold on set!]
What's in your CD player:	cd of the calling
Wearing:	red shorts, green shirt [O_o merry Christmas!!! laughs]
Time:	9:40pm.... [dang, i better get to sleep soon..]
Month:	january
Day of the Month:	20
Year:	2005
Day of the week:	thursday
What website are you on:	hello. bzoink.
.:Random Things:.
What color is your mousepad:	green...with a little yellow bird on it
What color is your keyboard:	dirty white [with dried blood specks..]
What is the phrase you use the most online:	'right....'
Did you like this survey:	eh.
Are you sad that it's over:	che.
What are you gonna do after this survey is over:	go to friggin sleep, dammit!
Do you like pop-up ads:	Gods, i hate em!
How long have you been online:	very long...yawn
Create a Survey Search Surveys Go to bzoink!

la ako magawa eh..

2005-01-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

Jan. 18 Tues.
“Kapit, nakakalula na -
Wala nang masabitan..
Lapit, nakapagtataka -
Wala nang makapitan..
...
Ako ay nahuhulog..
Ako ay nahuhulog..
Sa ‘yo..” –Nahuhulog

...

And Hope strikes again.

TONK!

That almost hurt.

Pero op cors..dalubhasa na ata ako, devah?

Yeah, I lav it.

Ang astig, noh?

Farang majeek! Yi-HES naman..salamangkeyra extraordinaire ba ito?

I can like make predict-predict the fyutyur.

Kung gusto kong makita nila ako, dun nila hindi ma-gets, chenes!

Oy pero, kung gusto ko naman magtago..dun nila ako ayaw tigilan! Ampota talaga, noh?

O, tapos pag gusto ko silang makausap..dun pa sila kailangan na umalis! Haay, ibang klase nga naman..nakakabitin!

Oy, marami pa yan, ha. Nakakaloka lang talaga mashado yung iba, eh, hahaha.

Ay nako, wag nyo na subukang intindihin. Ganto lang yan.

What I want, the opposite is given to me.

The more I want it, the more of the opposite is given.

Oh, deva may logic pa! Naka, I-career ko na kaya!

Please visit me after I end up in a mental hospital.

Tell me what happened, and how was your day.

Ditch the pills and needles..

The only thing I need is love.

...

...

About Me Personality Quiz
Created by jeffq1985 and taken 33405 times on bzoink!
What is your name?	celine. [marami pang iba.]
How old are you?	16 [sometimes older, sometimes younger. depends on the occasion and time of day, haha]
When is your Birthday?	october 4
What is your zodiac sign?	libra
Where were you born?	almost in an elevator
Where do you live now?	in a box of a house
What color eyes do you have?	dark brown
What color hair do you have?	black
How tall are you?	very.
How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies)	109 pounds. never changes. ever. and im no 'ladies'.
What is your race?	asian
What is your worst fear?	...seeing other in the mirror
Do you smoke?	when i was younger
Do you drink?	i wish i could
Do you cuss?	a helluva lot
Do you use drugs?	use? nah. id rather deal em. evil grin joke.
Have you ever or will you ever steal?	been stealing since i was 5
Are you dependable and/or trustworthy?	sure
Do you play in a band or play an instrument?	soon-to-be band: FUDGE. i play the recorder, guitar, erm...yun.
Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?	grin
If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be?	hannibal lecter. no question, hands down.
Do you suffer from depression disorder?	suffer? i AM depression.
If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be?	tortured for the ones i love
Have you ever tried to commit suicide?	every other day since i was 9
Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else?	myself. every other half hour
What subculture do you belong too?	too? haha, er...filipino?
Are you evil?	blink ask memnoch.
Do you believe that you can be possesed?	yes.
Are you a paranoid person?	sometimes
Do you ever get jealous of somebody else?	always. but i always get myself un-jelous, coz love isnt jelous.
Are you obsessive and/or compulsive?	yup. i pull my hairs when i'm stressed
Are you a violent person?	inside
Do you take your anger out on other people?	nope. just me.
Do you blame other people for your mistakes?	no.
What is your favorite game?	torture celine game
What is your favorite movie?	the ten commandments. [oo, jologs ako. pero paborito ko to since kabataan ko pa]
Who is your favorite band?	hmm...evanescence?
What is your favorite song?	iris
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?	dark, demented, disturbing, classics, FHM, cosmopolitan, MAD...the works.
What is your favorite color?	black [but that's a shade, so its red]
What is your favorite food?	pizza
What is your favorite drink?	peach vodka. straight up. [peach vodka tastes awesome..one way or the other..grin]
Do you own a pari of converse?	whatsa converse?
Do you own a pair of dickies?	pair of WHAT?
Would you ever kill yourself or someone else?	myself, yeah sure why not. someone else? nah... [im not homicidal, im GENUCIDAL]
Are you a virgin?	erm...
Are you kinky?	uh..loosens collar
Do you like biting?	yeah. and drinking blood.
Do you masturbate?	blink no comment.
Do you watch pornography?	sure. its bonding for me and my bro. [we laugh at the hilarity of it all..]
Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color?	nope
Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way?	no way....
Are you hyper active person?	sometimes [most of the time, i can hardly move]
Are you religious?	yeah. [too religious, according to others..]
Do you have any self inflicted scars?	lots. the biggest are the two on my left wrist in a T [im sorry im sorry...]
Does pain turn you on?	..............yes.
Do you stand for originality and creativity?	yeah
Do you like meeting new people?	not very much. depends on who im meeting
What do you like most about life?	you get to love
What do you dislike most about life?	you dont always get loved back
Do you believe in love at first fright?	im....not...sure. i believe in taking a closer look.
Have you ever pierced a body part yourself?	for an earring, nope. but for other things....ehe.
Have you ever had to beg for dinner money?	hmmm..not really. dad makes sure of that
Do you own a car?	haha, i wish
Have you been to jail, yet?	no. not YET.
Are your clothes held together with safety pins?	er...no....
Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows?	from punk rock shows? nope.
Have you ever vomit while making out?	just the thought of making out makes me vomit.
Have you held a job for less than a day?	nope
Do you own more than two pair of jeans?	yeah. courtesy of my brother
Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?	erm....yeah i think.
Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house?	almost. [for not going to sleep, and for falling in love]
Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude?	nope
Does the world piss you off?	more than you can ever imagine.
Create a Survey Search Surveys Go to bzoink!

2005-01-17T05:01:00.000-08:00

Jan. 17 Mon.
"Yeah...
So this is how you mend..
On cold intricate floors –
A lovely way to show
All the slits inside you..
...
A cold surface,
A little dangerous..
A free fall in,
A cold on set.
...
The ordinary things
Don’t matter to you no more..
A high to reach through me,
When you stalk in silence..
So this is how you mend." -Surface

...

I wanted it.

...

...

I wanted to feel her break in my hands..

Wanted her to crack, to snap, to go insane..

Wanted her to hate me, to feebly resist hating me..

I wanted her to suffer.

...

...

Seemed like Pain, Fate, and Despair were not the only sadists who took notice of the unique pleasure from feeling, tasting, hearing, seeing her suffer...

And damn..

Damn..

Damn.

She was beautiful.

...

...

She smelled like rain-drenched soil, tasted like corn syrup, felt like sun-warmed orchids, sounded like ripples in a pond..

For about three seconds or so.

...

...

The floor was cold, and my vicinity on fire.

Shame and disgust crept in, and molded snugly into me.

Im not as strong as they think.

Im free..

Im warm..

Im blissful..

Im...

I’m addicted.

...

2005-01-15T03:52:00.000-08:00

Jan. 15 Sat.
"It feels good to be bad, cel.
Come on..you know you want to..
He.
Bibigay ka rin." -Les and Joseph aka hentai masters

...

Spending the afternoon with two of the best hentai masters is very..very traumatic.

Damn.

And I thought I was bad.

...

They wanted to convert me.

Do I really need converting? *evil grin*

But still, I didn't give.

I wouldn’t give.

Ayaw talaga eh.

Bakit?

...

Coz I believe in true love, and you don’t.

2005-01-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

Jan. 13 Thurs.
"Hindi kami naniniwala." -my berks

...

She said she loved me..

And missed me..

Begged me to text back.

I didn't.

...

After 8 years of the same thing, you think I'd be stupid enough to fall for the same shit trap she sets?

Of missed kisses, hugs, twirled hair, crisp cash, ah fuck it.

I spent approximately five seconds trying to figure out if she really meant all that, or just wanted more money again.

I may be stupid, but I aint dumb.

Your 4,000-peso worth of a half-daughter bids you good night and good life.

...

...

I pried the empty brandy glass from his slackened grip, and helped him up from the sofa.

I felt a silent chaos of emotions weigh me down - pain, pity, disgust, anger, and one undefined that softly prodded the raw yielding flesh between my ribs and breast bone.

I envied him. He couldn't feel a thing..

I gulped down the thick chunk of my tongue at the back of my throat as I led his staggering form onto the bed, draping the thin membrane of a blanket over his limp body.

There was envy..and respect. With a silent wish that there was more of that forbidden nectar in the bottle left for me..

"Good night, dad.."

...

...

They wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong.

I refused to say a word.

I knew they would only get hurt and disturbed, bow their heads and fall silent with the inevitable pity they always ended up giving me no matter what.

I loved them for their concern..

But I hated the fact that they only see me when I wanted to hide.

I snapped.

"WALA NGA EH!"

The devil growls tagalog.

...

2005-01-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

Jan. 11 Tues.
"You love me, but you don't know who I am,
I'm torn between this life and where I stand..
You love me but you don't know who I am,
So let me go..
Let me go." -Let Me Go

...

The night was longer than I thought it would be.

I collapsed on the bed with a dying miniature milky way cutting across the soft expanse of coffee-colored void..

I woke up with a new galaxy, ribboned with dying red stars.

...

...

I lost my honor.

Maybe I didn't have it in the first place.

...

Stars never felt so cold.

2005-01-08T02:52:00.000-08:00

Jan. 8 Fri.
"Ba't ang bait mo sakin?" -me

...

I fell.

...

Yes, I fell.

Me..

in all my melting icequeenness,

My breaking barriers..

With my shiny ebony black waterfall of hair tied in a half-pony..

My tweezed eyebrows, concealed scars, shaded eyes, glossed lips..

My tinkling gold bangles that matched my earrings..

My assymetrical diagonal-striped gold and sienna two-piece gown with beads lining the slash of fabric across the neck..

My tight, unforgiving skirt..

All the way down to my gold, two-inch high, pointed, embroidered heels.

I fell.

In all that I wore..

And in all that I was.

...

...

It was too good to be true..

It was impossible for it to happen.

Especially to me.

He was too nice.

...

...

I tilted my head back and stared into the softly-lit canopy of broad leaves and twisted branches..

"Are you wishing upon a star?"

"Walang stars eh.."

"Oh..wishing upon a leaf, then, I see."

I smiled.

He laughed softly.

In the pale streetlights, his fair skin was glowing like the moon..elegantly accentuating the inexplicably enthralling contrast of his beauty marks.

His lips were of faded pink, and his hair was a bed of liquid ebony.

The life and passion and optimism that he exuded was that of a fire clutching to the wick, inevitably drawing in the lost drifting souls that wandered the earth.

At some point during the night..

When the fiery lights dimmed low, and the drunken laughter faded away into the sober embrace of their friends..

I actually imagined how it would feel like to kiss his cheek and hold him close, and not have to let go.

...

...

It was too good to be true.

He was too nice.

I fell silent at my father's amused guffaw, and smiled sadly to myself.

With a sigh that only the frosted car window heard, I looked out into the star-lit sky and wished.

I wished he didn't act so nice to me.

I wished I didn't act so vulnerable.

I wished I didn't close my eyes when I ate that cone of dirty ice cream.

I wished the alcoholic drinks had more than 6% alcohol.

I wished dad didn't have to be just a village away from the party.

I wished I drank more than one bottle.

I wished I didn't care what he thought about me after that night.

I wished I dirty danced with my friends.

I wished I was a guy.

I wished I didn't let myself fall.

I wished he was gay.

I wished..

I wished dad would have told me that the guy he set me up with already had a girlfriend sooner.

...

2005-01-05T03:32:00.000-08:00

Jan. 5 Wed.
"I belong to an age-old force..
whose power I cannot comprehend.
And yet I feel its essence pounding
through every part of my being,
calling me to do what I was created to do..
...
To LOVE." -CelEs

...

What the hell do you think you know about me?

About my heart?

...

It never forgets.

The brain might, but the heart - MY heart - doesn't. Won't..

Can't.

...

...

One time big time to, pare.

Pag naukit ka na jan, hindi na yan mabubura.

Pwedeng matapalan, matakpan, mapatungan..

Pero hindi nabubura. Hindi nakakalimutan.

Nanjan pa rin habang-buhay.

...

...

I care.

I care..

But now that I do..

Everyone else didn't anymore.

...

...

Stupid.

Painful.

Downright inhuman.

I wish I could close my fingers around my oh so available heart and shoot down every single bitch and bastard who stole the bits and chunks of it.

The price..

But why do we have to pay it?

And even more confusing..

Why do we still choose to pay it?

...

We always have a choice.

Nobody can force you to feel or do something you don't want to..

Stop if you want.

Go on if you want.

Have faith if you want, but its your choice.

But of course..don't forget.

Fate favors the cowardly.

Hn.

Birds of a feather..

...

...

Seems the tables have turned.

But no, I am not going to give up.

I don't give a friggin damn if there's no hope in sight..no hope possible..

I'll fight for what I think is right.

I'll fight for what I think is best..for the ones I love..

To the death. To my death.

I understand, you know.

More than you think..more than others can.

I just wish I had the wisdom and gentleness of angels..

But no. I wasn't given that.

And I know I'll never have that. Coz im no angel.

But still I will do what I can.

Fuck pain. Fuck fate. Fuck death, dammit.

Love conquers all.

...